Floating Illusion

the 6th day of 2012

2012-01-06T02:13:00.017+08:00

Since I'm so lagged as always, I don't get the chance to post the new year post! Hafta change my age at the sidebar settings man. Went to read my post 1 year and 4 days ago and realised it was pretty pathetic.

Guess it's reflection time! Haven't been talking to myself for a MONTH. It didn't even feel THAT long.

Countdown with Shelle, Veron, Chingz, Nic & Ger (:
Frankly speaking, that was my first countdown and probably the last. The crowd was annoying ttm, and I hated the fact that people had to squeeze and push around. Hello, it's a new year, chill!

Dinner at Cafe Cartel~

And we walked around Marina Square, hoping to find an empty TOILET. & spent 45 minutes attempting to walk to the Helix Bridge, only to end up in the middle of the road, NOWHERE near water. We still had a splendid view though (: The pix don't do the fireworks justice cos my camera was lousypok -.-

So it was an awesome nightt (:
On the way back home, I was thinking, WOAW this year passed really quickly, so quickly that it didn't feel like anything substantial happened. But if I were to look at the pix on facebook, I began to appreciate the small little events of 2011, which made the year more eventful.
So here's the bit and pieces of 2011. Thanks to everyone here who made 2011 less mundane and more bearable!

First time celebrating CNY elsewhere, and I would love to kickstart CNY the same way this year man (:

Even though tourns ended on a pretty bad note, bball will always be a part of life :)
Priorities may change, but whatever the game has taught would always stay.

ADIv dinner @ Seoul Garden. Thanks laoshi! Love the devotion you have shown towards bball; it has far exceeded the responsibility of a cca teacher in-charge

SH EDS - SH = more touchy stuffs on stage aha

OCIP - the experience which broadened my horizons and taught me to stay thankful

Dinner @ Traders Hotel - I LOVE FOOD, who doesn't!

AYC & GYF - where I met more people, and where my beliefs were reaffirmed. Though there were some weird experiences &confessions, they provided some amount of entertainment to laugh yet shudder about when I think back.

MBS - happy birthday chanz!

Clarke Quay - the failed touristing -.- When I was asked for directions BEFORE I even left the MRT. & how we were stuck on in the mrt looking for each other & having fun going up and down the escalators. & "killing" a fish with the chips I devoured.

Downtown Chalet - where the Malay guys fishing were staring at us when I became the photographer and someone wanted to be a skinny-looking model HAHA.

PW - the few months which were made less torturous thanks to cooperative groupmates who would listen to my nagging and commands! In fact, it was pretty fun in Steph's studying room, looking at the raindrops pellet down the glass windows. Will never forget how I turned aunty for the freaking vid.

Ah Boy Jiu Jiu's wedding - the sweet tingling feeling felt made me question my previously firm stance that love could never last.

Sis's birthday - happy 17th :)) Felt extremely glad that she overcome all odds to become the unique self she is today

Family trip @ kukup - it's amazing how we become even closer as the years go by. #defying stereotypes

BBall @ Malaysia :):) - where doing practically nothing (eating & sleeping) could actually be enjoyable

There, 2011 WASN'T THAT BAD, even though work load increased, play time decreased, pimples multiplied, stress rocketed and patience plummeted.
With that, the new year shall be welcome with some anticipation and hope. Even though it may be tough and demanding on one's self-discipline and mental strength, with the two families I have, there is no way I can't survive them.

2012, here I come (:

Dredge

2011-11-28T12:05:00.006+08:00

Back from kukup and the slacking did me real good but the experience was far from what i expected. Should have done some googling before the trip to prevent myself from having expectations which were too high and painting too rosy pictures for myself.

Basically, we were living in bungalows which were on stilts submerged in water, we could see the seabed when the tide receded. And it was a horrific experience, with all the visible rubbish and plastic bags. Not forgetting that the so-called "sewage system" is to link the toilet bowls and basins to the sea -_-

I practically jumped into the bed heh. Always wanted to have a double-decker bed since damn super long ago when I was pooped into earth, but my mum wouldn't allow. But after the stay, I guess it was just my fascination with it that made me want it so badly. It's not that great actually.

Guess it applies for loads of things. I always tell myself: ZOMG that pair of earpieces is SOOO NICE! so the story warps from, I WANT that earpiece to... I NEED that earpiece. And when I finally get it, the thrill just dissipates.
Kinda explains my current situation now since my creative earpieces turned faulty. Using some ultra fail fake beats my mum purchased from China. -.- The origin sorta explains everything.

I NEED ~~want~~ new earpieces!
And it's really true: once you're used to good quality sound, the old ones really suck. And I miss noise-cancelling ones. Shall go on my earpiece hunt again, though I'm deliberating over whether to buy the same one again. It's on sale! But it still isn't that cheap anyway -_-

Back from my rant....
The disparity between the bungalows and "common houses" where the locals stayed was so huge that it took me a while to come to terms with it. The feelings i felt then were pretty similar to those that i felt when i went for the Vietnam OCIP trip - the sense of bitter unfairness with a tinge of helplessness.

So the first day at the chalet started off with a mahjong session which took an excruciatingly long period of 30 minutes to set up. The missing tiles and the recollections of how to start the game etc....

Dinner was bbq and the food was awesome, despite a few hiccups here and there. It was only till they cleared the tables that i was in for another shock. The people in-charge of the place just threw the leftover food in the river, and the sight was revolting.

Nevertheless, there would always be good memories to offset the bad. Coconut pudding was (Y).
And we lighted up a 'kongming lantern' and sent it drifting up in the sky~

set off firecrackers for the first time, or rather, WATCH people set them off.

The effects werent that good cos we didn't purchase the big ones to have the same effects as those set off during national day. Ended the night by slacking at the karaoke room (:

The next day started with some good morning exercise at the mangrove farm. Walking in the humid weather is NO JOKE for someone of disgusting stamina man.

Rare scenery from a particularly good angle

Crossing the suspension bridge was pretty .... novel

After the trip, I realised that I have a phobia of places that (barely) have railings or handles or worse still, NONE AT ALL. I'll just be really afraid that I fall off, even though the pavement is fairly wide. #themanysecretsofmine
It's weird, really. People have phobia of heights, of water, of backstabbers, of sweat, of other more reasonable things, but mine is -.- Okay, the last 2 examples aren't exactly normal, but my bro's classmate (WHO IS A GUY) is actually afraid of sweating -.- That's dumb IMO.

And the building where you can oversee the entire mangrove, which isn't actually very scenic or worth the effort LOL.

The 5-storey high worth of staircases I climbed to reach to the top of the sightseeing spot.

FINALLYY... at the top. Can't believe I was feeling slightly tired -.-
The week break from training will kill all the stamina I barely gained during the past few weeks.

Had a pleasant surprise when i saw meng at the fish farm (: caught up a lil and dang, i wna a meet-up soon! Even though i dont think it's exactly VERY POSSIBLE aye.

The tide was extrenely high after lunch so part of the streets was flooded. Had to walk a fair bit of distance barefooted but it was quite a novel experience i must say! Wonder how the ppl in southern thailand survive -_-
Hate it when things are dripping wet +-+

Shopped at JB for a few hours, had dinner and it was home sweet home (:

Overall, it wasnt that much of a slacking trip that i expected, but it was some quality family time spent. By being away from my gadgets, internet and TAIWANESE DRAMAS, i'm forced to be actually more aware about the environment and the surrounding people.

As cliche as it sounds, regrets and sudden realizations after things and friendships slowly slip away often come by too late.

When the sun comes down

2011-11-21T10:23:00.002+08:00

glad u came just happened to flash through my head and yep, it has been one of my favourite songs the past few days.
Anyway I got my new line and new phone! Like finally... There goes the days where I have to practically ration my texts or pay my dad when I exceed my texts heh.

Gonna go off for a family trip over the weekends. Feeling pretty excited although the place is pathetic malaysia heh. Was having the occassional bantering this morning and the cosy feeling felt so gud. I guess it takes alot of effort to maintain the r/s. Relationships were never possible one-sided and it applies for all kinds of relationships really....
My parents tried really hard to narrow the age gap between us by granting us more freedom and learning some lingo.? The attempt should really be applauded although sometimes there will really be hilarious jokes.

Like how LOL stands for lots of love, like seriously! And how any song on the radio would be by lady gaga or bruno mars. And the ultimate failed cold jokes which can be pretty ermbarrassing at times since no1 reacts positively.
My mum's occassional criticism also keeps me grounded and can be pretty entertaining ,at times. Of course it is not enough to make me feel bloody shitty about myself.

Life is pretty much a mundane routine now. More time for myself and catching up w friends before the hectic Y6 life overwhelms me ttm. And i hope no one would be such an ultimate loser as to pon orientation cos that would be really dumb and pathetic -.-

Sometimes, people are more selfish than what they would like themselves to be.

Revived

2011-11-15T22:34:00.002+08:00

That relatively shiny wallpaper was kupped from somewhere online.

Feeling really tired now. Tired to my bones.
Just had 4 hours of training and dang, I really need to get my fitness back.

Tmr marks the last day of PW with the GPF Filing.
And I'll bury my head in the books I borrowed :) Feels extremely surreal when you just realised that you have been absorbed into another world for an unexpected period of few hours!

Wheesung's Even If You Get Hurt is stuck in my head now. Spammed some of his songs just now. It's realllyyy lag, but I like non mainstream music :)
Joshua Radin's I Rather Be with You would be one.

Sounding pretty incoherent now. Not feeling extremely high or anything, a good sleep would probably do me some good. Gonna headstart tomorrow with breakfast w my dad :) And hopefully I am motivated enough to get a good workout in the afternoon.

A newer beginning

2011-11-10T20:44:00.006+08:00

And yes, PW has come to an end yay.
It wasn't as mind-boggling or mentally exhaustive as I expected (thank god for it), I guess cos our group practically mugged Q&A and we hardcored for 3 consecutive days. But it ended so quickly that I have yet to come to terms tht it has already ended! The surreal feeling of satisfaction is beyond description and I can only say that I'll miss STEPHANIE's aunty's food! Doing PW at her house is like entering a restaurant. We have lunch, tea, dinner and supper. Not to forget the endless flow of drinks and her mum's constant enquiring if we want more food. I love it when people fuss over me hahah. Guess the small girl in me hasn't exactly died off yet.

Few days ago was my sis's birthday. Happy belated one sis!

This pic quality is kinda bad I just realised. :/
Haven't gotten her anything yet and have no idea what to get her too.
Close friends would know how I don't really see the significance of birthdays. I feel that day merely marks one's entry into the world. But anyway, I'll try matching the hype.

Tomorrow gonna be a day out, like finally! But I hafta be in a good mood and start smiling~

Sometimes, things are better left unsaid#

Hi and Goodbye

2011-11-07T00:44:00.007+08:00

I think the title is perfectly apt to describe the airport. A sense of nostalgia overwhelmed me when I stepped in T3 this morning, or rather, yesterday morning (considering that it's already 1 when I'm typing this). The last time I went there was to mug with a friend whose friendship I lost, and it sorta marked another experience, which I've no idea whether I should feel thankful for. The number of jokes it brings can sorta outweigh the creeps the occasional thoughts bring about.

So anyway, we went to film @ the airport for PW, and we spent godly 5 hours for just a video that lasts for lesser an hour (without the transitions and all). Seriously, I have a new-found respect for directors and film-makers (Y)

Two random pix to push the next pic down. heeh

And my role.... was a freaking aunty. That is if I were to put it crudely and meanly. In a sugar-coated nice way, it's simply the mum of a kid.
So the shit kinda look like this......

Removed the link so there is NO WAY you can click on it to enlarge it. Reduced the size too. Sometimes I wonder why I even post this to begin with since I find it so gross, but it'd be funny 10 years down the road when I read this post again heh. I hope this blog stays alive till then, it'd be cool!
Just a snippet where we explain the character, so I happened to have the screenshot.
The entire-editing process was pure torture, and I have yet to finish editing them yet (someone kill me please). Kept cringing inside, but it made me think.

Am I going to look THAT shitty when I grow up, say 20 - 30 years later? One SIA stewardess looked back when she saw me dress up like this, I think cos my face didn't fit my dressing. I guess the only consolation is that my dressing explains what my character is, so I sorta achieved my aim?

But seeing the great difference in my appearance simply with a change in clothes, aunty bun and spoilt slanted specs with rims too small for my eyes, my resolve to stay fit and at least look presentable, was strengthened. I can't describe the sudden lack of confidence and how revolted I feel whenever I happened to walk past places where I could see slight reflections (which in this case is EVERYWHERE, since the airport is all full of glass -.- ). It may sound like an overreaction of sorts, but my really close friends will understand. It's not being superficial or self-obsessed.

SHO ANYWAY, if I were to be able to put my pride and all shit aside, filming was fun :)
I love the airport. It's crowded yet spacious; there is noise but everyone can find their quiet somewhere; people leave, but others embrace the return of those close to them. It's contradictions of sorts, but that's what makes it so unique.

And finally a PW group photo....

Kudos to Iz's dad who helped us take it. He is so hilarious that I found it hard to smile properly, without my mouth being too huge LOL.

Group mates whom I wouldn't get to know better if not for PWW..

Went to Steph's house at night to complete the work. And once again, her aunty cooked awesome food!
And her house is really pretty at night, not to forget the shimmering pool :) Gonna attack her pool again tonight heh

A lil sleepy now, gonna finish some vids before turning in.
A thought, why bother making empty promises?

and.... what's is JBB lolz. I've a feeling the first 2 letter is justin bieber, and then....?

Memories are like snowflakes; unique and distinct, yet so unreachable

2011-11-01T22:11:00.017+08:00

Back from PW, and am in an extremely good mood I've no idea why. Maybe it's cos I can slack my ass off tomorrow and have a day break from PW :)
But I think most of the cause is cos my grandma came from Malaysia and she's really super cute and healthy! Gonna emulate her positive outlook of life. I always feel that there is this stage in life where you'll be drained of your energy since there is no longer any reason to stay competitive. Whether you want to admit it or not, competition keeps you alive.

Anyway, I felt the urge to blog but I couldn't find anything substantial. THEN I remembered I have yet to post the Korea pix. The sequence of the events this pic is sorta screwed cos this post is like, 11 months late?!
The feeling of browsing through the pix felt really good though. It's like retrieving long-term memory

DAY 1

Pretty plane~ Loved the fact that I had a window seat :)

Snoww. Dang, looking back at the pictures make me feel that Singapore is really humid and ugly :/

DAY 2

Kimchi was marvellous for the first few days. However, after the fourth day, i was SICK OF KIMCHI.
But I wished I had kimchi nowww :( I guess they're really right when they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder!
-love for food (Y) -

Gallery exhibition

DAY 3
The bear museum!
Still can't believe that some tinyweeny bears would cost soooo much. Talk about extravagant lifestyles and spending excessively on totally unnecessary stuff!

HA.HA.

Next was a climb on the hill which was really good exercise. Started panting when I reached the top -.-
The breezy weather sorta made the climb enjoyable, and it was then that I wished that was Singapore's weather! Singapore's weather is bloody humid and the stickiness you feel just makes you feel cranky and easily irritated.

HA. An act-demure pic. No wonder they say pictures deceive. The real scenario was that there was a strong gust of wind which almost blew my hat away.
Therefore, a more accurate depiction would be:

Visited a PIG farm. BIG BLACK PIGS. I think pink still suits pigs better.

Does this look like a toilet in any way?

Night pix

SNOW :)

Another reason to love nature. Nothing can replace its calming effect.

Hear the wedding bells ring

2011-10-30T19:38:00.013+08:00

Just came back from the wedding of my uncle and dang, I feel so tired! Since I promised myself to blog more, I have to complete this post today, if not I'll probably never start at all! (look @ the korea trip post and you know what I mean heh)

We call my uncle AH BOY jiujiu cos he has a fraternal twin whom we call AH GIRL yiyi. Funnyaye, but it's just so convenient these days that I haven't changed the way I called them!

My bro wants to post the pictures on facebook but I don't want them there so I gave him the pix to upload -.- I guess I've reached a stage where privacy is really valued, to the extent where I have gone through my friends list at least twice to delete those who I have no idea who they are.

Weddings....
I was a cynic and I shall still remain one. Don't see the point in weddings cos they are so freaking ex and tiring. Though wedding gowns look really pretty!
I just feel happy I guess :) Dang, my thoughts are kinda incoherent now. and blogger is taking a long time to upload the pix.

Had to walk around in heels and my feet died. Kinda hate smiling at almost everyone cos I feel really patronizing, although I know I ought to do that out of pure courtesy. And the same old chat will resurface: "Ohmy, you are so tall!"
"It's really true that girls become prettier when they grow older!"

(HURHUR, I think I didn't change much except put on more weight. And ohwell, perhaps my flaws were hidden behind the thick swat of concealer and bbcream I spammed this morning. And thank god for the recent henna which covered my white roots YAY although I think the white roots are saying hi to the world again, ZOMG -.-)

Put on a dress for the second time this year, and mm I feel more secure with this one cos it's longer and it's black. Nothing will go wrong with black!

Even my mom went "you ACTUALLY look good you know. I guess cos you are tall and all" ....

and when I was there feeling slightly better about myself since she always puts me down (in a light-hearted way which good-natured me knows she meant no harm of course), she had to end her sentence with: "but the front... is slightly disappointing ah".

she and her constant harping of my "tiny disappointing stuffs" and how she doesn't understand why i failed to inherit her genes -.-

On a brighter note,
Food was awesome,
the bridemaids were adorable,

Kids kept smiling,

and the couple was loving (:

My aunt commented that the base plate looked like a WEIGHING MACHINE, and dang, BAD reminder! - conveniently forgets about her diet -

Pix

On the car otw there w my sis who is beginning to be more and more girly (Y) yayy

My aunt who cooks really yummy food. The mee served @ the wedding will get owned by hers hands down mann

My fav aunt whom I managed to chat with. The rest were alllll shoo busy.

My bro trying to be tall but failing terribly due to his lousy height and my HEELS. I still had to bend down, that lousy pok hahha.
I was telling him to grow faster, LOOK better, and smile nicer cos I can't see the tiny eyes of his, then he could pretend to be my boyfriend to help me shoo guys away HAHAHA. And it would be fine with me if he needed my help too, although it's abit unconvincing huh -.- Skarly I look worse than that girl, GG MAX.
Okay, as you can tell, my imagination is kinda good now, after a filled and happy stomach!

Fam :):) Can't wait to go on the family trip again. It seems that the older you get, the more you'll appreciate family time which seems to be even rarer and harder to get as time goes by.

Sometimes things are better left unsaid

2011-10-09T20:09:00.007+08:00

I'm back. And hopefully my butt will stay.
Had this sudden urge to pen my thoughts down, and felt the need to do so when I realised that this year has passed really quickly. I don't wanna end the year feeling like I merely lived the life of a mugger zombie, cos that would be really pathetic.

So here are the highlights of 2011; things that made the mundane life less boring and to some extent, pretty exceptional :)

Before that, on a sidenote, I was going through the blog counts and am still surprised that there are people who come here hahaha. I guess these minor things sort of make me feel less alone at times? And some mad stalker, who are you, DON'T TOUCH MY ARCHIVES. Kinda embarrassed at the way I talked in the past with those disgusting exclamation marks and spamming of emoticons, but I just want them there, somewhere in cyberspace, so I can retrieve the memories when I need them.

Team
The big bball fam and our fam, they're pretty much still the team
Even though bball has taken a backseat in my life and I'm forced to leave it out of my priorities, it never fails to amaze me how much this sport can connect people. It isn't about how well you play the game but rather, it's the passion for the sport that brings people together.
Dagmn, this feels like a GP essay, but nah, GP essays are all about writing what is easier to write, the stand that has MORE evidence so you can make your essay look more complete. Mugger topics shall be touched later on.
IT'S ABOUT BALL THIS TIME

Sad to say and guilty to admit this, but I still haven't touched the ball even though promos ended. It's weird I know, but I have no idea why this is happening. blargh.

Anyway, I'm reallllyy looking forward to the bball trip during Dec because I know (I just do), that it would be awesome, even though the location is pathetic malaysia. Those late night talks and gossip sessions, the retarded moments when you look at each other and burst out laughing after those few seconds of silence.... I can never be done enumerating the ways of fun we would possibly have. AHHH, wish I could fast-forward time.

Spent the post-promos days w Qi at Clarke Quay and chalet. We were commenting how we were like some old lovers.

Clarke Quay was PRETTY at night!
We were trying to be tourists, with the dresses and sunglasses and all, but failed terribly. I guess we'll always have the Singaporean look huh.

Chalet: 2 days 2 nights
Spent the first night alone and the solitude did me good. It's hard to describe, but I like feeling alone sometimes. It gives me space to think, to cut myself off from the world and to calm myself. And of course, the plus point about it being in a chalet is that I need not tidy my bed!

Morning was spent with qi nua-ing. Watched 2 movies which I forgot what the titles were, slacked out at the park nearby camwhoring, and back at the chalet nua-ing. The camwhoring part was embarrassing cos people were laughing at us agh. So that's how others feel when I laugh at them :/

Chan came over at night and I have no recollection of what we talked about, but it felt great to just spill everything out, whether they were heartfelt truths or just pure bitching sessions. Another round in Malaysia!
The stupid cockroaches dampened the mood a little though. Agh, hate them.

Grades
Agh, no matter how much I hate to admit this, I've turned into a mugger. It's like, even after the promos, I still think of them. When I slack, I'll feel guilty. HELLO, who feels guilty for enjoying life the way I rightfully deserve?! Guess complete stress-free life will only surface after A-s, which is at least a bloody long year away.
Nevermind, I shall learn to like mugging somehow!

Grades were fine I guess, 2 improvements, 2 downgrades and 1 stagnant. It may sound like conceit to some when I mention that I aint happy with whatever I got, but I guess it's about self-expectations here. Nobody compares themselves to people worse than them, I mean, what for? Gloating about being superior than someone else will bring about nothing except arrogance and complacency. Perhaps it's over-estimation of what I can possibly achieve or unnecessary pressure placed on myself, but I always looked forward, and at times, too FARRR forward. I guess that's how I get my motivation :)

Currently, I'm spending my time reading and reading. from serious magazines to romance novels.
Kinda found no interest in dramas anymore since their plots kinda suck and it's just about guy meets girl, guy likes girl, girl likes guy back, some bitch comes in the middle, another guy has finds his love for the female lead unrequited, nevertheless, guy and girl gets together, lives happily ever after. My foot. as if life was that good.

And I sorta miss the feeling of chatting with a stranger LOL. Ohkay maybe I should rephrase. Not stranger, but like acquaintance? I don't know, but I guess I shan't conclude that quickly, since I get bored very quickly and may find it annoying after some time.

Shall get the OCIP documentation done ASAP, get a shower and continue reading whoohoo :)

Reprieve

2011-08-21T20:49:00.002+08:00

Abandoned this tiny space for a long period of time, not that I gonna revive it cos it's just brief CPR.
Gah, I can see what mugging has done to my brains.

Frankly speaking, who likes mugging? No one, except those who lived to mug. But if you are actually reading this, I guess you aren't, cos Y.O.U. should and would have been burying your head in books.

And so I've turned into a fulltime mugger. Not that I get paid or anything, but it's as if every little time that I can churn out would be devoted to mugging. It's crazy, it bogs me, but I rather choose this disgusting pathetic lifestyle than cry my eyes out in 2013 when I receive my grades. At least that's how I psycho myself, and often it works.
Imagine your friends all jumping with joy while you're there, trying to hide that pathetic results slip and slump into some corner of the world.

Things have been pretty productive, though mundane so far. It's amazing how we can find all kinds of things to do to make us feel happier, during this mugging period. For example, I've this crazy obsessive happiness when I edit the album art of my songs. I think there are less than 10 songs in the 3K itunes Library which does not have an album art. Anal much.

Can't wait for all these to end - PW and everything, before I get about a month of my life back before this whole disgusting cycle of greater intensity and rigour begins again. And trainings ---- miss them ttm. Have been potato-couching the past few (months?) and I'm getting FLABBY.
But nah, not gonna stop my eating habits since food is one of the few pathetic things which make me HAPPYAYE.

Off to do history sbq before I slack abit and sleep :) Undercover boss!
Motivated already.

On a sidenote, how does it feel to care alot for someone? Have been thinking about how unfeeling I'm , but I don't really see myself as an egocentric person. Blahblah.
Too much of mass media which romanticizes love.

Impasse

2011-05-02T11:09:00.002+08:00

Wanted to move to livejournal, guess I'm back again. People are too lazy to deal with changes, that they conform or rather, stick to status quo.

It has been a pleasant weekend for me, and I don't mind having more of it :) Watched 3 Idiots and some Cantonese drama with my family, and the feeling was really surreal and the beyond description. It definitely beats cramming in a corner of the room, plugging in the earpieces and watching a show on the lappy.
So much has changed. These minute details would have long been omitted in the past, when I felt that my parents were more often that not, unwittingly infringing in my privacy and freedom of choice with the more than frequent family gatherings and blabla. Now, these moments are probably the highlights of the week, events which will make the week less monotonous and boring. Gonna have a buffet lunch/diner later with them and lalala, who can resist food!

Just listened to the radio and they said something so true. Text-messaging makes it quite hard to convey the message across as intentions may be misconstrued. True. Aint into texting these days; it's quite a drag and my texting stamina sucks. Kinda like my phone to be quiet these days

Last night in bed I was wondering how much sleep I would sacrifice to catch some drama or engage in some online chat, yet now, I would leap into any opportunity to have the extra hours of sleep.
Sleep is no longer an essential, it has become an option.

It's never too late to try

2011-02-27T20:01:00.006+08:00

Saw the news and there was this 95 year old woman who is as healthy as ever! She looks 65, and is agile enough to run. Okay, maybe brisk-walk in our context, but hello, I don't think I'll even live till 95. Even if I could, I'll probably be in stroke, frothing and shitting on my bed.
Which makes me wonder if I'm better off dead. I think I wanna sign a contract to allow euthanasia to be applied on me in such a case. What for, living life like that, implicating my loved ones around me? Not to mention that the idea of a tube through my nose doesn't sound appealing.

For those who can sense, I aint in the best of moods now. SUCKS.
So I resorted to browsing through my pix on facebook to feel better, and it did, heh thanks memories (:
These photos are really lagged, but it's never too late right!

Reunion @ Rae's house (:

CHINGAY. Loads of experience, and didn't regret one bit in joining it.
Although I definitely wished it did not rain on Friday! Agh, disgusting mud...

Training was fine yesterday, except I can't help but feel that we're a burden to the guys. Seriously, it's like wasting their time, although i know they don't mind. Burggghhh.
Shouted for the first time in my sec school life in dunman high. The rest were amused, but I wasn't. This year has been a year of many revelations for myself, and it's like discovering that my life has more depth and layers, contrary to what I think.

It began as utter shock and being emotional, to the urge that there is a need to do something, to the disappointment, to the persistent clutch on the faith that kept me going, and now to the realisation that there is nothing else I can do. So I'm washing my hands off this, but the annoying fact is that i cannot ignore it totally because it will affect me somehow. DAMN :/
Just when I thought my heart was totally made of steel.
Guess it isn't, after all.

My mum's reprimanding her friend, LIKE REALLY loudly over the phone. I guess she just needs the harsh reality slapped right in her face. Sigh, hope life will get better for her someday.
Sucks when you place faith in everything you do, but the world is just so cruel to be in doubt.

Dead, but alive

2011-02-24T23:29:00.002+08:00

Just back from training but don't really feel like sleeping yet. Tomorrow gonna be a horrid day.
Training was... tiring mentally and physically. If not for the match we played before that, it could have been much worse. I'm unsure of the kind of mentality I should have for training these days. The thought of it unnerves me, damn.

Typing this while waiting for my maggee mee to cook. I'm wondering what's wrong with me these days. Appetite comes and go, and the worse thing is when I FINALLY feel like eating, the canteen is either full of people or the stalls are closed. Say for today, was suddenly feeling hungry before math, but ended up having potato wedges only.
Nonono I ain't anoe, just that I hope the important things I hold very dear, will not change or make a drastic u-turn. As much as I would like people to see the strong front I always project, I don't think my heart can take it.

School has been just mundane these days I guess. IT's the same routine, and I'm definitely studying more than the past. Maybe it's more tiring at the end and the start of the day, but every day is probably more fulfilling (:
Although I wish studying could be less monotonous.

Tests were screwed, but I don't feel as much as the rest. What for, making yourself so miserable. It's dumb when you keep clinging onto the past, refusing to let go and move on. Easy as it may seem, it's probably the hardest thing to do, but once we succeed, we'll become stronger.

Just had a thought. There are so many things in life which I've yet to experience and despite the fear of facing setbacks, there is this part of me who wants the excitement of novelty. Yet to care about somemore more than a friend, yet to find someone really inspiring, yet to understand how it is like to feel like the world has just come crashing down, yet to have a reason to let my ego and pride down for once... so many yets, but I'm probably too chicken for them.

Exhausted

2011-02-10T23:37:00.003+08:00

I'm tired
Training was suicidal, but we needed that push, so I'm not complaining. Love it when people share the passion for bball, and we can finally hit 9 people! :)

My mood fluctuated before training cos of the things I had to think about. History was hell. It sucks to be proven wrong. like RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. Of course, better now than never. Then there was econs to think about, and some chingay admin matters which are solved for now. AND HOMEWORK. Ohman.
And this is probably the start of the work that gonna start piling up.

I still like school though I think. Compared to working, school's still the best because you don't have to be patronising and plaster a smile on the face all the time. And lessons are awesome, except for.... AHA, the subject I'm dropping! DROPDROPDROP.

-Sometimes I really do wonder, how can people just get over things so easily? Just go on like that... How frivolous can relationships get?
Just a thought. The great things about being single, like just you-

And I need and want to blog about Korea trip and CNY, and probably Chingay after this. The mood's back. But where's the time? :/
Ohwell, WELCOME to Senior High. Lag or lag.

Shoot

2011-01-26T22:30:00.002+08:00

Shoot your mouth, complete shots.

Depends on how you see it, anyway I gonna blog about both.

Due to my decreasing blog readership, I feel more secure typing stuff here.

I'm straightforward and a little crude, maybe even harsh. Hafta change that else I'll offend the world sooner or later! Though going a whole big round is mentally tiring and challenging. AGH.

Who knew 4 words could affect us so much? Man, this says hell lot about our ego and pride. In the past, we had a goal, mainly cos of overwhelming expectations. Now, when people doubt us, we create that target and hell, it's going to be tough, but we gonna make it (:

Didn't stretch my limits before, shall make this the first.

Mm so 2 weeks of school has gone by and this would be the third. Kind of like the environment of independent studying, and you can do things as and when you like, but I miss the days when school ended and tada, nothing related to school work for the next 10 hours? End of school simply means no more lectures, but that does not equate to lesser mugging. DAMN.

My lappy is sent for repair and I feel handicapped without it. And I sorta lost the touch for blogging. Lost interest and don't really see a point.

Today was the first time I consider closing down this personal space. Should I just leave it hibernating, only to be updated once in a while, or just close it down completely? On days I feel like blogging, I lack the time. And when I've truckloads of time, I feel that I'm just obligated to blog.

Hate dilemmas, hate conflict, hate people who judge me (although I always judge), hate it when everything just falls short of expectations.... in short,

sucks to be me.

At a loss

2011-01-08T22:38:00.002+08:00

Have been neglecting this space or quite some time. To think I wanted to complete my blog post about the Korea trip tomorrow, just before school reopens, only to know that my laptop crashed zzz.

School's starting in a few days but I don't feel anything. When I was younger I would get abit nuts about the start of a brand new year, especially a school term. Would pack my table especially early, get new stuff and be unable to sleep the day before school starts!
Now, the table which I packed just a few days ago has clothes strewn all over the place. My mood just makes a complete turn whenever I think of my spooky laptop argh. Hope my 15GB of music doesn't disappear like that! My backup is really old and the recent songs were my favourite ones.

I wonder how psychologists survive. What's going through their minds when they realize that they cannot do anything to help their patients? Maybe they cannot even get through the barrier between them, not to mention relieve their emotional pain. I don't know, I always felt a sense of loss whenever I encounter people with problems because I am at a loss of what to say or do. There is a sense of worry that you might unconsciously say the wrong stuff and make things worse.
When I am emotional, I wish people would leave me alone. Yet at the same time I wished I wasn't alone cos I feel lonely. Ironic, yes indeed, but the human mind has always been complex and unexplainable isn't it. Not to mention that I am really weird.

And I just had to see those pics after feeling like shit.
Maybe I was deceiving myself al along, like telling myself that no matter how bad things are, if they were concealed, with cloth, i can pretend that things never changed, and maybe everything was undergoing a momentary change. One day, when I wake up, things would have gone back to status quo.
HA.
Deluded.
Forget it, told myself that I would wash my hands off that stupid thing.

Chingay briefing today again, this time we were split into groups and I foresee more responsibilities coming up.
Watching thesupernatural now, hope I won't get spooked till I can't fall asleep!

One thing i've learnt, courage isn't gained overnight.

A day to 2011

2010-12-30T13:55:00.003+08:00

Have been neglecting this space for the past few weeks. Shall devote the entire morning of Sunday to post about the korea trip else the new on my iPod touch gonna rot!

Bball chalet was awesome. Thanks alot juniors for putting in so much effort in planning, and the handmade pouch was really cool. Sorta made me feel guilty for the one last year which was totally screwed up haha.
The games were.....disgusting though they involved food, bt kudos to everyone for being such a good sport! The lemons with kimchi, bread soaked in blueberry tea, the blend of greentea, passionfruit tea and soy sauce, blueberry Oreo with peanut, and definitely not forgetting the entire container of some weird sauce which actually had a nice colour!

The juniors from other levels who bothered to do something for us (: sec ones for the sweets and chico, sec twos for the colorful socks!

Waterbombin was hella fun. Wished we had more waterbombs and I had more strength to splash the rest with the pail though! Forfeit video on facebook.

Night was cards and movie with the guys. The nightwalk was amusing cos it took so long to walk to ehub! When we finished watching gulliver's travels, everyone was shagged and exhausted. Didn't really talked much, just wished that the bed was nearer and sooner!
Took awhile to sleep thanks to jingmei's ultra sensitive ears. There were weird scratching noises, which could really terrify in a late quiet night. Spent an hour chatting and slept with the lights on.

I believe in the supernatural, if not why Are so many phenomenons left unexplained?

Back

2010-12-17T13:17:00.003+08:00

I'm back from my trip and whoa, it was a great experience.
Gonna be quite long when we can actually have another family trip again.

Mm during the entire trip I wrote down details to blog, so that the minute details of every day of the trip would not be missed out. Not really in the mood to blog now cos it'll probably take 3hrs + to post pix and blog. Don't wanna just do a simple summary cos when I'm bored I wanna do some recollections. Hate picture spam too

My skin hasn't peeled that badly and the rashes on my hands are recovering quite well!
Miss the cold weather over there, but home's still the best (:
Especially when I tried my granny's porridge the first day I reached Singapore.... the taste of awesomeness~~

Gonna go off to meet Rachel in Tampines (FOR WHAT, I don't really know. But I need the sun and heat!)
Then work again.
And the Leaders Training for Chingay tomorrow before work.
Some time before work on Sunday again.... I wonder what I should do hmmm.

Some pix from Korea before I end the post. Was browsing through the hundreds, if not thousands of pictures.

HOW COME my ipod states that there is no music content??!! aggh

To sleep, you actually just need a nice dream

2010-12-04T00:35:00.002+08:00

I don't really make sense!
Felt really tired on the way home, and the fact that my ipod touch was out of batt and I forgot to bring my books, made me even more annoyed. Which reminded me of what the manager of the stall beside Kenny Rogers said. He asked me why I always had such a pissed-off face.
LOL, it's not like I've anything to say to him right! Which made me wonder why, maybe cos I know he's a crazy stalker of my colleague. It's scary mann; he can just sit there and observe her. Wtf.

This morning was fun cos it was breakfast with Valerie and Ji En. Reunion with some gyf peeps (: Went all the way to upper thomson road for some prata before going to Valerie's church to help with her Christmas deco. It was something unplanned, cos I had nothing much to do, other than going to the library. One of the best ways to spend time before going to work!

Which reminds me of something.... Decoration probably takes longer than it seems. Her mother was fussing over the Christmas tree and it was already so pretty! Took more than 4 hours to attain that state of prettiness, and I would definitely not have the patience to do so.
Helping out with the decoration for Chinese New Year was more than enough, SERIOUSLY.

Speaking of Christmas, I have yet to experience the true way of celebrating Christmas. Sad I know, missing out on all the pretty decorations and most importantly, the Christmas tree! Used to eat log-cakes but stopped since 3-4 years ago....
No turkeys, nothing, probably just a simple fare.
Asked my mum if we were celebrating Christmas this year, and she replied that she haven't heard anything from my aunt (who have been organising such gatherings for the past 2 years), so I guess this Christmas gonna be quite quiet. Maybe I should go work to earn more $$$! (1.5x rate man, why not)
But I'm deliberating hell lot

Ah, my mum's watching a horror movie in her room. Maybe I shall go join her.
BUT SHOULD I? I might end up being too effing scared to sleep and end up tossing in bed for a few hours... Still hafta wake up early for training tomorrow!
AGH heck.

Some things have to hit you really hard for you to finally learn

2010-11-30T10:59:00.004+08:00

A short post before I meet Rae for sushi before training....
My internet is giving me a headache because it's really screwed!

These few weeks passed really fast cos I've been working my ass off in an attempt to earn money. Frankly speaking I don't think it's the actual reason, I just wanna feel tired and I like the feeling when time passes faster than expected.
However yesterday was like my limit. Felt really exhausted and anyone could tell it simply with one look. Knocked off earlier and ate Mr Bean's ice cream to feel better.
Hate these kind of nights! Not to forget that Sengkang is gloomy and ulu at night.

Currently in a mood where every song is annoying and noisy. ARGH what's wrong with me!

Working has really let me realise that there is more to this world, and that the society which was ideal and complete was just a figment of my imagination. Over-optimism on my part, you can say. The harsh fact that I cannot treat everyone the same and not everyone will see that there is nothing more behind every action - that they're just pure intentions, has slapped across my face. I'm finally awake.
Damn you, thanks for making me feel cheap with just those few words. BASTARD.
Though I gonna take more caution, I still gonna be the way I am. Don't see what's wrong with treating both genders the same way. Only idiots will think like you.
But of course, you meet the fun and amicable people who can make you laugh every 3 sentences they say!

Love.Gives Me Hope was what caused me to stay up till 3 this morning. Finished reading 100 pages of it before deciding that it was simply too much and I should not sleep any later.
It's really cool how love can go a long way. Platonic love, kinship, love in a couple.... everything. Sometimes these fairytale-like stories which seem cliche to some, make you wonder how it is to feel so blissful.
Though we always have to remind ourselves that those moments which can make your heart stop for few seconds, can really torture at times. Seconds can seem like hours, or maybe years.

Still, that doesn't stop many from dreaming

Poof

2010-11-18T00:03:00.002+08:00

Using my dad's iPhone to type this and i guess I will retract the statement that iPhone and iPod touches are overrated. It's really convenient, so no wonder at least 2 in evey row of people in the mrt own one of the apple products. Shall stop saying more of the good points, if not I'll sound like those freaks obsessed over apple products. And of course as you can see, i observe people a lot. So it was kinda hard to kick the habit of glancing at people at pasirris. You know, the fear of getting slashed. But on the other hand, there's another saying that security was stepped up after the incident, so it's definitely up to you to decide which version of thinking you want (:

Class chalet was over, like 8 hours ago, and the feeling that we wouldn't be a class again sorta dawned upon at macs this morning. I did not have any expectations when I entered the class, so I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of fun I had. Although others probably wonder what them helm we can possibly do with a class of 35 girls and 1 guy, I've grown a lil attached to the class. Mane not to the extreme extent of me having withdrawal symptoms (I was never the kind to experience such exaggeration anyway), there were many little fun things which happened along the journey of 2 years which were worth reminiscing, definitely.

Saw kaiping twice at downtown, she didn't really change much, though she commented that she could hardly recognize me. Didn't really talked to her, but there was a brief awkwardness I felt, wonder of it was the same for her. People really do change. It's amazing how relationships work. There is no definite way of explaining the mechanics of human relations, because nobody communicates in the exact manner with someone else.

A little beat now cos I just came back from my night shift. Mouth's feelin uncomfortable cos I think im falling sick. Oh man there's dmovement auditions tomorrow, don't let me be ill! I hope things will go smoothly Mann, dont wanna experience another round of rejection /:

Working is realllly fun, and clearing the bloody disgusting dishes made mr realise that many things are more complicated than it actually seems. There's newfound respect for the cleaners at hawker centers because of their high efficiency, and definitely not forgetting the horrible dining etiquette of singaporeans at hawker centers!

Ohnknny lips are stinging really badly now. Damn. What happens when thick fugly lips turn swollen? You get red thick bacon.

The best thing about being selfish is that you love yourself more than anything else

2010-11-09T20:40:00.001+08:00

Maybe I should start using tweets as my titles. Then I need not think so hard for a suitable title.

Worst day of my life. I swear this feels even worse than anything else. If a breakup were to feel 10x worse than this, I gonna protect myself in a cocoon and NEVER ever get into a relationship at all. Bloody hell.

Maybe it's just a momentary thing and I'm probably blowing things out of proportion, like what I always do.
I don't know, it's disappointment after letting my expectations go higher, and it's 2x of that WOW.

Tomorrow's chinese and the environmental thing. Can't wait to get over everything, especially the latter, before I can concentrate on starting work, and begin completing the things I've on my to-do list! And of course to begin looking forward to my family trip and class chalet and bball chalet and outings and fun and hell lot of stuff that are definitely ZILLIONS time better than the shit now.

Damn.
But I told myself today that whenever I were to feel any shitty, after a soyabean icecream, a bar of choco and a long cold bath, things have to get better. Or at least force it upon myself.

I sound like my favourite pet dog just died or something, but nah.
Maybe cos the house feels more empty cos my sis and mum are overseas. Miss them AHH.

Maybe it's true that when people are gone, you miss them.

LOL i googled ridiculous news reports, hoping to find stuff to cheer me up and saw a vid on a woman caught selling penis-like straws to kids. WTH.

Off to watch magic shows again. I think I like them cos they make the impossible seem possible, and the brief amazement allows me some room for escape.

-i hate rejections

Closure

2010-10-31T10:15:00.002+08:00

And so, the last day of school ended. The fact that my routine is now changed feels weird. No matter how much we claim we hate school, the fact that it preoccupies our time is something we feel grateful for. We don't need to think about what to do, what to wear etc, and we can feel heartened by the knowledge that we are absorbing some knowledge, so our time is spent more usefully (right?)

Everyone around me is telling me how much they miss their class etc but I've yet to feel the sense of loss and emptiness. Maybe it's just late huh, probably feel it at the end of class chalet or something!

This year was a happier year for me (: At least I didn't need to think about how sucky my grades are and bla. -smiley faces everywhere!-

My stomach (abs in coach's context) hurts like TOOT. Can't laugh cos it'll be too unbearable.
Sound kinda coherent now.
Training tomorrow!

And why is my face flaking :/

Only when you realise how hard it is, you feel grateful

2010-10-26T19:34:00.003+08:00

Was talking just now and realised there are so many things around us which we easily neglect and take them for granted. I think it's times like this when you have nothing much to do except slacking and stoning and enjoying life, that you take a look around you and begin to be more conscious of your surroundings. increased self-awareness (: Something I seriously lack. It's as if I'm living in a cocoon, oblivious to everything happening around me.

Missed training today for the environmental thing. After the entire briefing, I felt really exhausted, even though there wasn't much for me to do. immense regret!
AND SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK I'm annoyed with her okay. I hate it when people just POOSH! disappear into mid air and just shirk all their responsibilities. Then I've to clean shit and try to piece things back together. Then miraculously in this increasingly interconnected world (see what LA did to me), there is NO WAY to contact her by calling/texting. SCREW it bloody hell, tell me right in my face that you don't wanna do it la. I know I don't reply to texts sometimes, but isn't it basic courtesy to reply ONCE.
But on a brighter note, I'll gain more experience and who knows, I might find some fun in this. Though I seriously cannot imagine how much fun I can get strutting in heels.

Overdue pix. went out with Qi and Stal that day.

Feeling a lil bored and sianed nowadays. Wish my life had some excitement, but I guess when I start working things will get busy!
Read this online and I found it really amusing. Why are there always people in this world who will manage to stand out?

Taiwan Woman marries herself
TAIPEI - Chen Wei-yih has posed for a set of photos in a flowing white dress, enlisted a wedding planner and rented a banquet hall for a marriage celebration with 30 friends.

But there is no groom. Chen will marry herself.

Uninspired by the men she’s met but facing social pressure to get married, the 30-year-old Taipei office worker will hold the reception next month in honour of just one person.

“Age thirty is a prime period for me. My work and experience are in good shape, but I haven’t found a partner, so what can I do?” Chen said.

“It’s not that I’m anti-marriage. I just hope that I can express a different idea within the bounds of a tradition.”

Her T$50,000 ($5,675) wedding comes after online publicity that has netted 1,800 largely sympathetic comments.

“I think there will be more and more girls like this,” said “divagirl,” who did not elaborate.

Taiwanese women are marrying later and less often as their economic status advances, fuelling government concerns about a drop in the birth rate and its impact on productivity.

Only 40 percent of women surveyed earlier this year by the education ministry said they imagined married people could live better than singles, local media said.

“I was just hoping that more people would love themselves,” said Chen, who will go on a solo honeymoon to Australia.

Chen said her mother had insisted on a groom at first but later jumped aboard the solo marriage plan.

But as Chen cannot officially register a marriage to herself, if she finds a man later she will wed again.

“If I had a steady boyfriend, I wouldn’t do this,” Chen said. “it would be offensive to him, anyway.”

The only way to react is, WTF.
Even though I am adamant on not marrying, I think THAT is desperate. who cares if you're single or left on the shelf for hell long, just stay true to yourself right. HAHA but my eyes really turned bigger when I read the headlines. Don't know if I should laugh or cry at her foolishness!

Gonna go take a bath already. found some interesting videos to watch later on. It feels good when I know what I wanna do instead of just browsing through videos and start doing lame stuff like surfing facebook. Feels so much like a stalker somehow. i can never stay on someone's profile for more than 2 minutes, cos it just feels weird.

Though impressions of people fade with time, memories don't

2010-10-17T10:22:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was a lazy, sticky, itchy day!
Lazy cos we spent the entire afternoon slacking on Rachel's bed. Sticky cos in the late night it felt uncomfortable cos I was feeling full and hot. Itchy cos something kept going up and down my legs, arms and back -AHEM-
But it was fun slacking hahah

I need cash right now. AGH.
Was tagged in an AYC pic not long ago and it brought back many memories. Like how fast time had passed and soon we'll be embarking on a new phrase of our lives.

I'm at a loss of what to do these days.
Shall go chiong a drama.

The rain smells nice, peppered with the tingling smell of my granny's cooking - life's awesome.
Yoga in the afternoon, FINALLY, in 2-3 months?! let's hope I still can walk normally tomorrow and not act as if I had abrasion between my inner thighs aha.

I aint the one changing because you are

2010-10-11T22:21:00.006+08:00

EOYS ARE OVER!

lagged after 5 days? Yups definitely. Cos I've been preoccupied with watching shows and playing ball and doing a whole lot of things which aren't noteworthy. To think I had a whole list of things which I wanted to complete in mind!

The last paper went fine, but the prep talk screwed my mood up. I totally DID NOT need them to remind me of how screwed my sense of self-discipline and how I needed to buckle up and improve the ways I psycho myself.
Close friends would know how I deceive myself sometimes. That's if you see it in the negative light. You can definitely call it encouragement, or self-motivation if you want to sometimes (:

Played a bit of ball and got my shots back. Feels really good when the ball goes in the direction you wanna!

Sunday was a day out with Mum after having breakfast with my family. It's these small little moments together which make me realise how much time we actually bond.
Most of the times, I'll just cope myself in my room, spending time on the com, mugging (?), doing a whole lot of things

Mid-Autumn Festival was the most memorable time I had with them. Part of it was cos it was during EOYS.. I've this notion that during EOYs, your expectations of fun are degraded. Little things make you feel happy.
But of course, I haven't been celebrating Mid Autumn Festival for quite long.

We wanted to ease the jobs of the cleaners, so we played on cardboard. And due to the limited number of candles we had (which were collected from birthday celebrations), we had a pathetic limitation of what we could do with them. It was also because my dad didn't even tell us beforehand! He just came home and asked if we wanted to go downstairs and do moongazing, with some tea and mooncakes. lmao.

It wasn't romantic like what you'd expect. A strong breeze, rivers shimmering under the moon light, trees swaying..... NOPES, nothing like that.
Played at some small badminton court and the moon was kinda pathetic-looking because we could only see its fullness between two TALL HDB flats. =.=
If we shifted away from our spot, the moon will be gone!
Just like that

Went to shop with Crystal and Jiaqi last Saturday. Walked around like some lost lil kids, and my feet hurt.
It was fun anyway (: Though i didn't buy anything. Pix up soon when Qi decides to upload them.

Went to swim with Crystal just now. Swam only 4 laps and decided to slack my ass off in the pool, observing little kids taking swimming lessons. I might sound like a pedo, but they're reallyyyy cutteee.
Reminded me of the times when I took swimming lessons when I was really young. I was the unlucky one to be in the class full of secondary school kids, and those big boys at that time, didn't even bother treating me nicely since I was just p1. Bloody hell, I'll boil at the thought. Still remember being kicked right in the face and it was effing painful. But it was precisely because I was the slowest in the class and the disparity was really appalling that I pushed myself even further, not wanting the gap to widen.

Gonna end here cos I gonna go to Bugis Library before meeting Crystal again after she met her nutritionist.

Tomorrow's school. again.

I can't possibly just have a post with pix.
Anyway it was fun yesterday, walking around aimlessly.
Plus, got my bro's wallet! Long belated birthday present ahaha

The difference between cars and man; it has never been easier to make a U-turn

2010-10-05T06:15:00.003+08:00

Woke up really naturally this morning, and it felt.... nice
At least I'll feel reassured that I had a good night's sleep and wouldn't need to deal with sleepiness or brain freezes in the middle of the exam. The quality of my sleep/nap affects my mood hell lot.

5th Oct: Yesterday was History. Today is EMath. Tomorrow is Chem
Yesterday was History. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today was a Gift - Ivan Mimic

6th Oct: Yesterday was EMath. Today is Chem Tomorrow is PHysics.

It never fails to amaze me how fast time pass by. I still remember a month ago on this very day, I was questioning myself how I would prepare for the coming EOYs and how the hell I would survive this period where everything would undergo a drastic change.
No bball - Not much com - No Yoga - No slacking

slacking with a constant nagging worry at the back of your head isn't exactly slacking.
Although I can't wait for everything to be over, I don't exactly want it to end.
Life's kinda fine with EOYs somehow. I think I'm used to it. School ends quickly, I like studying independently.....
And if EOYs were to be over, I've to deal with the anticipation of getting back the grades. And hell isn't exactly over cos there's O level Chinese. BLAH.

But on a brighter note, there's training and bball [kinda meant the same thing] and swimming and yoga and doing a list of hell lot of stuff I love to do.
Qi and I sidetracked an hour yesterday to talk about bball -.-
of all times.

I used to think
I had the answers to everything,
But now I know
Life doesn't always go my way, yeah...
Feels like I'm caught in the middle
That's when I realize...
-Britney Spears (I'm not a girl, Not Yet a Woman)

It has been quite long since she came up with songs like this. The less crappy kind unlike those which will pass along with time, forsaken with memories.
my Itunes library is getting crappier damnit. used to spam all the songs before listening to them, so I think I've near 200 songs that I haven't listened. 3.1k songs, 14.52 GB, how many do you actually like?

Time to shut the com and get ready for Math. I've been working really hard for this subject cos it's one of my few favourite subjects I'm really passionate about. They say with passion or interest comes results and grades. Let's hope I can prove that right.

1 down, 3 more to go

failure much?

2010-10-02T19:53:00.003+08:00

I can't figure myself, and probably never will.
People cry to reduce their misery or release their pent-up frustrations. Me? I cry when I'm disappointed.
Hell, as if my eye bags were not big enough.
Cried shit lot today though no one will understand why.

Saw this tweet on twitter.
Smiling is always easier than explaining why you're sad

Makes so much sense and after reading all her tweets, I actually felt better. I guess it feels good to know that there is someone out there going through a life which is probably 10x worse than yours. Call it mockery, self-deception, being disillusioned, whatever. My mind has been going through a rollercoaster ride ever since I've been trying to figure out the best way to have self-control this morning.

Today was kinda a waste since I only managed to finish what I was supposed to complete THIS MORNING. Damn. I'm behaving as if eoys are already over, napping here and there!

Yesterday was great though. Attempted a few shots, sweated it out. The feeling of adrenaline.... awesome.
So 5 papers down, how many more to go?? 5? I'm feeling kind of lucky being in the first few rows so I don't shiverrrrrr much or get a brain freeze.

Feeling really numb these days. No anticipation for anything. Knowing that the paper was probably screwed up but I really don't feel anything. It's definitely a good thing since I won't have panic attacks, but I"m really questioning my ability to feel.
Maybe I was born to be cold-hearted. or maybe it was pure selfishness so no one will see the other side of me I never wanted to portray.

Bloody hell what am I doing.
Gonna go off to do some work. And hopefully catch some teevee. And complete the things I should have completed in the afternoon in like what, 3 hours?

Learning Outcomes

2010-09-24T23:12:00.003+08:00

It just sounds weird. Period. If I were to list down the things I learnt this year, the list would be endless. And I don't like the sound of it, don't ask me why.

Ah, feeling exhausted already. Hardly even moved when playing ball ahaha, getting really old and slow already. Mugging in the canteen was kinda productive today, though it was a lil noisy.

It's only 6 more days, and although I can't wait for it to be over, I dread them. I wished I could skip everything altogether. The fact that the days are approaching is beginning to dawn upon me. Like these few days, exactly how slow am I?

Counting down .... 1. 2. 3.

3.2.1.

My change in attitudes to things seriously amazes me. One moment I can be annoyed and the other i'll be fine with everything and anything, even to the point of questioning myself why I actually bothered about something so trivial, to the extent that it makes me look foolish and narrow-minded.

Shall mug my chem and do some math before turning in.

ahhh, I hafta post the family "gathering" for the mid-autumn festival aha.

Nights, sleepyheads.

Sleep more?

2010-09-20T21:50:00.006+08:00

I'm in the best of moods, and I know it's really ironic because I'm supposed to be complaining incessantly about having to bury my head in books. When I fall asleep while studying at my desk or bed, I always have this silly thought at the back of my head that, miraculously the information from my notes will diffuse into my brain, then active transport will allow MORE INFORMATION to enter. It's really motivating when you wake up and you can recall the things you mugged!

According to studies, it's better to study before you sleep. It's of utmost importance that you sleep around 12 cos that's when the brain rests the most? I don't know, they say short-term memory will be converted into long-term memory, so your information will be deposited in your brain longer.

It probably works for all the people the scientists test on, cos my special brain doesn't follow that theory. Yes, it may sound warped but I think it makes sense!
Cerebrum's involved in voluntary actions, cerebellum is responsible for maintaining balance, posture and equilibrium while the medulla oblongata is in charge of involuntary actions, which simply natural reflex. Am I right, or not? Anyway I just learnt that we don't need to know this during the EOYS. dumb thing. This is simply what happens when you see bio everyday.

iTunes is really pretty now. I like the new icon. (As you can see, my thoughts aren't in any natural sequence)
I like having my music library organised. Added many new songs which probably aren't new to many because I'm really lag. Nice music is really capable of lifting one's spirits.
How ironic is beautiful monster?

I wanna sleep here one day. Look at the shimmering sea. Damn. In Singapore, you'll only have water that looks like they flowed from the drainage pipes.

I like this Taiwanese artist 张芸京 (: Her image appeals to both gender, and she's really cool AHH. Although sometimes she looks like a guy because of the way she dresses up, and I realised her voice is rather low. BUT I LIKE HER. hahaha, no I ain't les. I think.

Oh bloody hell, there's this smell of cow dung now. In the night, the pungent smell never fails to penetrate the house. I'm not in the freaking zoo for goodness sake. Can't they use other kinds of fertilisers?! Nevermind, let's just wait for another 2 weeks for someone to complain and a change will probably be induced. BUT SERIOUSLY IT STINKS. even more than my sweat. And that says a shit lot.
My mum's nose is blocked.
lucky her.
I don't wanna stuff tissue in my nose cos that won't help things. And I want the air that I breathe in to be clean and filtered by my nostril hair. (bio!)

Back to workworkwork. A little of Chem and bio and off I am to lalaland for the conversion of short-term memory to long-term (:

Passion can't be forced

2010-09-14T21:15:00.002+08:00

And it really comes by naturally (:

The fact that I really enjoyed watching people play ball took me by surprise. I mean, I knew I liked watching people play (it's WATCH, not OGLE, cos that's what my teammies always say), but didn't know it would actually make me feel that happy. AHHHH.

Playing ball casually is one of the best times because there isn't anything to consider. The repercussions of passing this ball... would it get stolen or will I do a mis-pass (this freaking happens most of the time damn it)... Shooting the ball, what if it doesn't get in? Will the center get the rebound? Or worse still, will I just AIR-BALL (one of the most embarrassing moments of a player).

All this shit plus coach ranting at the sidelines....

This friday's Mid-Autumn celebration. I have this sudden urge to stare at the round moon this friday! These small little things which used to come by so easily.....

That's why they say, when things are gone, they're really gone

Don't begin to trust just because you need something to fall back on

2010-09-12T18:54:00.008+08:00

Slackslackk With Qi and Crystal
Rachel was supposed to come along, but she had some curfew ): And nopes, we didn't go anywhere near the stretch of bars where the occurrence of fights was really high and someone actually died there before!
Although it was just 4 hours, it was hella fun. Having fun isn't all about what you do, but it's who you do it with. Even a simple walk would suffice.

@Clarke Quay, while waiting for Crystal. There was this chinese performance which I totally had no interest in. Stoned and walked around in Central. Frankly speaking, I have no impression of what we talked about / did. aha

Got a new wallet and bag. mad happy cos I always wanted a wallet but couldn't find a suitable one. You know it's all hot-pink and clutches these days..... & to think that the moment we enter the billabong shop we went to look at the bikinis ahaha. The nice one I saw last time wasn't there already. And anyway the prices are really steep. Sometimes I wonder, why do we have to pay more for lesser cloth? Doesn't make any sense right.

Dinner @ Ion. Qi had some delicious ramen while crystal and I had toast (: And I've learnt that I could crack an egg properly. Didn't really attempt cracking an egg ever since I failed quite some time ago, with all the eggs spluttered on my hands and egg shells appearing in the mixture.

@Forever21.
Zilianing is tiring, I swear.
And i can't zilian really well anyway. The frame wouldn't capture all 3 of us if I were the one doing it ahha. even my bro zilians better than me -.- and that really says alot.

MRT (:
That was the end of 4 hours. Wished we could spend more time. Sigh.

This holidays were the most meaningful and productive holidays I spent so far. I still remember spending last year's September holidays watching a drama and the previous was spent writing just 3 poems for my portfolio. To think I managed to stay on schedule (most of it), I'm happy (:
Just hope that the momentum is maintained for the next 2x days. Then this horror will be OVVVERRR. Then I'll look less tired in school and smile more often.

It was easier to put on a facade last time. Didn't know patronising smiles were that difficult to plaster on the face. How do people say and act in a way that is totally different from what they think?

Don't begin to trust just because you need something to fall back on. That makes your belief worthless and at some point of time, ludicrous. I delude myself sometimes, thinking it'll make me feel better, but when reality really slaps across my face, I'm left to wonder if I should continue clinging on to those beliefs. Even if i do, I can't help feeling silly and dumb.

Heard my siblings quarrelling today again. Over some stupid thing which I can't remember, or probably don't bother remembering because it's so minor. When out to ameliorate the situation cos they were affecting my mugging and talked some sense in them. This isn't the first time and sometimes I wonder why I'm so thick-skinned to believe that I'm that influential to induce a change in their attitudes and mindsets. Over-confidence on my part or self-deception, I don't really know. Maybe it's just hope. Clutching on to that pathetic thought.

I think I should consider being a preacher. Maybe that's why I'm better at giving team talk these days aha. but frankly speaking, as the years go by, I find team talks just a routine which actually defeats its purpose. Because we are trying to grab more people in next year to form a team, discipline and respect bla don't matter anymore. Anyway I think passion is more important. With passion probably comes talent, or say, improvements. Or maybe not. I've seriously no idea.

Maybe I should stop generalizing things.

sentiments

2010-09-07T13:14:00.004+08:00

Chionged Personal Taste the past 2 days, which meant my days haven't been productive so far. The show was really addictive, and tear-jerking. I aint the kind who go gaga over shows, but I like the fact that they provide the cheap kind of entertainment which is absolutely necessary at this point of time.

Felt really surprised when the tears flowed unconsciously and no, it wasn't because of some mushy love story. I found the comments which mentioned that some people found the breaking-up scene too unbearable to watch, amusing. Only felt really sad when the female lead was narrating about her sad childhood when she lost her mum at the age of 5.
Then my eyes became really puffy and red, which kinda reminded me of what my teammates always say; that my eyes are like goldfish's.

Ever wondered how a goldfish's eyes look like?

wtf?! Definitely NO.

I think I've turned more sentimental over the years. Except for the fact that loveydovey stuff hasn't stuck a chord in my heart yet.
Emotional events do not fade with them, especially when you're one the one experiencing it. There are some things which will still cause your heart to stir no matter how many times you have thought about it, isn't it? The weak spots of people........

Nail polish (: I used to think nail polish was just pure vanity and for hiao-people, but I think it makes people feel happy. When I see the pretty colours I feel more motivated to do work, say type on the com or write stuffs. Call it self-deception whatever, but psychology affects the way I work alot. I'll psycho myself and the many ways I delude myself still work repeatedly. Amazing, isn't it?

Self-delusion isn't always a bad thing

happy feet

2010-09-06T08:30:00.002+08:00

search results are amusing. Typed 'sleep' and got these feet.
Probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed cos I'm feeling kinda uncomfortable right now. My natural alarm clock has been tuned to 8-9 these days, so the time I turn in doesn't matter. Whether it's a good thing or not, you decide.

My bro and sis woke up really early to go downstairs to jog. Their enthusiasm made me wonder when the last time I went to run was. Perspiration and panting! I was never an avid enthusiast of running; preferred to swim because I could avoid the hot and sticky feeling. And on a sidenote, swimming pools allowed you to look out for good bodies heh. I mean females actually, because males are either too scrawny or ~~fat~~ plump these days. Shant continue being critical since I'm in no position to comment. Growing out of shape these days. It's not surprising though.

Imagine having this diet:
Breakfast: Stuff
[12 plus] some biscuits while watching teevee
[2 pm ] lunch
[3 ] fruits! (My mum and I are arguing about this: She insists that consuming fruits after meals defeats its purpose because the nutrients will not be absorbed. Don't get the point. I mean, whether you eat them before or after, the nutrients will still be absorbed into the bloodstream right? Bio tells me so, I THINK, unless I've been doing my revision wrongly all the while...]
[4]SNACKS again cos I decided to watch some teevee
[7] dinner!
after dinner would be fruits and 2 rounds of snacking, at 8 and 10 respectively. Accompanying that would be a cup of warm milo!

My weight has been escalating since OBS (YAH OF ALL THINGS!) And it doesn't seem to fluctuate like what I thought it would have. Damn. Shant continue this topic lest I sound like a freak obsessed with her weight. I love food too much to turn anorexic or bulimic. the only advantage of having some dietary problems is YOU SAVE MONEY. And it's really alot, for someone like me who doesn't go shopping, but spends her time cooped up at home doing i-don't-know-what.

And archives that date back to 2007, what the freak?

Slow music makes me sleepy.
And it's weird listening to Apologize now. Wonder if anyone shares the same sentiments. There's this weird feeling when you listen to this song which was veryveryvery popular before. Somehow.

you hear it tick

2010-08-29T14:09:00.002+08:00

I think I'm self-deluded. I've the calendar in front of me telling me how much time I've left, I've the people in class constantly reminding me of how much I need to catch up, I've my inner voice repeatedly urging me to work hard because I don't want to experience the same feeling of disappointment, yet I still do stupid things.
I've the compelling urge to go online and sidetrack for at least 30 minutes everytime I use the computer. And the time will unconsciously lengthen till I feel fatigued and decide to go take a nap.

Ah, like what Qi tweeted, I'm already missing Fridays. Damn. Why is it always that we begin to notice the presence only during its absence?
When we were preparing for B-divs at the beginning of this year, I slacked so freaking much for physical training and missed so many friendlies. Was able to play ball but was always late for trainings (i think I really can't do anything about this)
AND NOW I'm supposed to freaking mug and here I am lamenting about something that I can't change. When I receive my results slip, I'll probably hope that I spent more time mugging.

This gonna be the way I shall psycho myself.
Sometimes I hate the way my mind keeps going in circles.

it's a quarter

2010-08-28T00:05:00.006+08:00

I don't know what the hell I'm doing now, awake at such a time when I can just go sleep. Spent the last 2 hours (staring into space, lost in thoughts...?) Decided to be lame and went through my friends list on facebook and started deleting people whom my friends have no connection with. AND I REALISED I don't know at least 1/3 of the people on my friends list, and that's really wth pathetic, considering the small teenyweeny number of friends.

Don't know why, but these days, I tend to think alot. Stuffs like social circles (told qi today heh), profiles and basically everything important in life. Idk, I like last year cos I felt I knew so much more nicer people (I mean after digging a whole in the first 2 years of my sec school life and buying my head in it like an ostrich), that was kinda a greater change for me. Began bothering about people outside my social circle instead of thinking they are non-existent. Sometimes I minor things so much that I wonder if there are actually anything/anybody in life that I truly care about. I do, I think, if not I would be emotionless now.

This year wasn't exactly horrid, but it was eventful, so it was kinda a rollercoaster ride, though things are back to status quo already (: Friendship problems, problems which friends were facing, the constant questioning about whether I should continue bball because of my stupid injuries and regret for being so reckless in the past, things I heard about myself from people around me which were really surprising and many other changes which are too many to name. In short, my impression on others and my impression of others changed. Whether they were warped, i don't know.

Played ball today (:(:
Now I"m aching and feeling sore, and it feels good. At least I feel healthy, although I wonder why my weight is like rocketing sky-high!
Photo-taking today was.... boring? I aint the photophoto kind most of the time, so today wasn't one of those days when I would gladly smile for a photo. But I hope the bball pix still turned out fine though.

I gonna sound incoherent at this rate so I shall turn in soonnn. And I gonna start banning myself from the computer, since I can't ban myself from bball.
It really sucks that I wanna play but I can't play much, then I suck and feel like crap. And since I"m like some slowpoke, I end up fouling people which I always do all the time. My brain will begin to malfunction and my defence starts having loopholes. Calves will feel like cramping (so they'll probably bulge even more damnit), and I'll airball -.- bloody hell.
Rae said her only flaw is her stamina and I say that I don't know what's my freaking flaw because I've so many that I don't know where to start focusing on how to improve. Can someone just make me a checklist so I can start ticking them and at least have a focus. Though I don't think I'll be able to tick them at all. Damn. I'm feeling really negative now. This is what happens when you decide to blog at night. Now there's this big bump on my head which hurts like a bitch and it's making things worse.

Dmovement open classes were fun. mm dancing's really exhausting. Considering? Maybe. Maybe not.

And I just remembered that hunghui and weiwen said I scratched Qihui and it was a really deep cut. OHNO. Feel really apologetic although I think the only time when I went near her was to trap her and snatch the ball cos I had this sudden urge LOL. I purposely went to cut my nails yesterday cos I was playing ball today. apparently it didn't make a difference.
Is my elbow really that hard?

There's this newspaper article about this woman from England who made the headlines by the most unimaginable way. According to footage taken from the CCTV, she stroke a cat, and 5 mins later, she threw it in the bin. The owner of the cctv heard the cat meowing in the bin and rescued it. Pissed off, she uploaded the video on youtube, sparking global outrage, so the woman is currently facing some charges now. Serves her right.

I mean, I'm not some animal lover (who goes, omg that dog is so cute!) and cats have scary piercing eyes, but I find that freaking act inhumane. That cat was so defenceless and didn't even do anything to her =.= If it was never discovered, imagine it going through incineration. To think she even said that they were making a big hooha out of nothing, though she was quick enough to take back her words now.

Inhumanity has a limit.
no wait, humanity IS boundless, but inhumanity shouldn't be tolerated.

I don't think I make sense. I'm like talking to myself.
I suppose it'll be another long time before I blog another long one like this because I have to start shifting my time and focus to mugging. Twitting is easier though, cos it's all one-liners which describes the emotions which are too short for a blog post.

beliefs or priorities?

2010-08-21T00:18:00.002+08:00

Had this overwhelming urge to blog.
I feel really dispirited and totally enervated now. Every ounce of energy left is drained out and it irks me when I feel I actually did nothing at all.

Slacked a hell lot today after school. was "mugging" but it was kinda unproductive. Since when were fridays not slacking days? Went to school to play ball and sparred with the juniors. Sucked like shit -.- Annoys me totally when the shots made during practice are totally not reflected in the game.
DARRRMMMIT

Anyway this isn't the time to improve cos after the long EOYS gap my stamina (which I already lack) and my strength, skills and bla will be all gone. Not worth it. And from tomorrow onwards I gonna hardcore. Shall understand how it feels like to be a fulltime mugger. And at this point of time, I'm already feeling disgusted at myself for typing those.

Blasting I just Need You now and it's on constant replay. Ahh. Despite how much I really wanna turn in, I've to hand up my eportfolio. screw it.

We live to survive
Then whey do we still push ourselves so hard when status quo might not exactly be a bad thing?

Take a breather

2010-08-18T23:12:00.002+08:00

Class dance during NDP (:
This is a really lag one, but the dance ended really well. All the effort paid off.

Just bathed and a little beat now.
Can't seem to concentrate much nowadays. Kinda lost my touch for blogging already. Used to have loads of nonsense to spout but sentences are so hard to form nowadays. Damn.

Never asked for it, never will.

Happens all the time

2010-08-09T19:31:00.005+08:00

Just came back from WWW. Went there with my family today, and I got really burnt. When a tanned person gets BURNT, you really wonder what the colour is hahah.

Now back to my update! and after that, I think I'll begin to be on hiatus, because my schedule would be as boring as anyone else's, and I've to refrain from using the computer. (It's seriously distracting!)

Asean Youth Convention

I feel that GYF was more substantial than this, but nevertheless, knowing more people still made up 90% of the fun. There are still many things to laugh about somehow!

Day 1: Cedar Girls

Boring lecture in the morning which i slept through. Can't stand it.
Ended up chatting with the Malaysians in front of us.

Orientation was so much better when everyone got to know each other better with the water games and blah. Got my ass really WHITE when they played this jumpjumpjump-on-chairs-and-play-scissors-paper-stone, cos they put flour on the chairs

Day 2
Basically it was just lectures and lectures. Frankly speaking, I think they were repeating the same point over and over again, just that with some creativity, things were presented in a different way.
But it was still fun though (:

KOI (:

Went to catch the NDP Preview with gifford, shaun and friends (forgot their names already heh)
The fireworks were really pretty. Felt myself back to earth after all of it. Somehow.

Day 3: SMU
again
It felt kind of boring already, but i guess the company makes everything feel a little different. Sigh.

Day 4: Cedar Girls
Lectures, lectures and more lectures.
Everyone sorta got to know each other more by then. Feeling damn sianz to type already. I think I shall just photo-spam.

Since we had plenty of time to spare, we ended up taking pix to see who eyes were the biggest -.-
Cam-whoring is tiring.
Seriously.
I think my face could have cramped

Day 5: CULTURAL NIGHT
Wore the kebaya I borrowed from Siti (: It was really huge and I didn't know it would actually feel so hot wearing the seemingly thin material.

Poster done by S1 and S2, which I had absolutely no part to play because I was busy slacking away, talking to arun ha. No artistic talent; never had, will never have.

LAST DAY: Victoria School
Can't stand myself in heels, literally and figuratively..
The day started with country presentations.

And ended off with facilitation session in the auditorium. I was glad they ended it this way, instead of ending the entire convention with lunch (which was buffet this time aha)

These few days were fulfilling because with every new friend made, different perspectives and expectations of life begin to come my way.

for me it happens all the time
it's a quarter after one..

Reality Check

2010-08-07T22:16:00.003+08:00

I'm back!
After few weeks of being MIA.

The past few weeks have been really busy but fulfilling. When all the hype was gone, the empty feeling began to sink in and it felt really awful when I had to acknowledge the fact that it was just a temporary reality escape for me.
But aha, I think my goal in life gonna be to make the normal lifestyle of others, interesting for myself (:

Global Youth Forum

The first conference that I attended. Mm, review time!
The Positive:
- knew a little more about econs, especially how currencies worked (a little)
- understood the vicious cycle of being poor and the incapability to pull yourself out from that dire situation. (it really pays off to be RICH)
- made a great load of friends (didn't really keep in touch with the people from Mock UN because people were more preoccupied with debating and submitting the resolution. This time it was different because everyone was separated into their groups and through discussions, we got to iknow about each other's perspectives)

The Negative:
- the food wasn't up to standard. They were yummy alright, but since you (my school in this case) paid around 150 bucks, the food shouldn't be nasi lemak, or worse still, MACS take-away right!
- some lectures were repetitive and kinda boring
- it was too short :( I think that Asean Youth Convention was too long though. Content-wise, I think GYF deserved the 6 days that AYC was given.

I can't help but feel that AYC was given priority over GYF, based on the turn-out of foreign delegates and blah. Somehow, just a gut feeling.

DAY 1 (sounds like I'm on a tour)

Some icebreaker games. Had a hard time remembering a name of an indian guy in my group. I feel really awkward when people began introducing themselves. Cos this is when everyone feels so distant from each other, and they have no idea who you are, so you don't really know what impression they have of you.

There was this 1-hour long video which caused me to doze off, despite the cup of macs coffee I gulped down in the morning.

DAY 2 and 3: SMU

By Day 3, everyone was feeling more comfortable with each other, and so all the gl-ing and teasing began (: I really like the feeling of laughing at unexpected things that come out from people.

Day 4:
Discussions, debates and blah. Presented once, and I think I didn't make sense at all, but everyone was really encouraging (:

Facils plus some group peeps went for dinner at Bugis. Stoned around at iluma.
The night sky was really pretty that night. The breeze made everything perfect (:

Siti and Gifford
Facils who were hell nice! Thanks loads to Siti for lending me her costume. And gifford for being explaining alot of things.

LAST DAY
Blazers again and this time it was farewell. Couldn't believe that 5 days passed in a flash and we had to return to our schools and lead the life we had before coming for GYF. There wouldn't be any other time when our paths would cross again....

S4!

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

Current song on replay. Really addictive.

Gonna turn in, although I still have hella of things to blog about. Have to wake up really early tomorrow to go to school and ref the captain ball games. Fingers crossed that I wouldn't be late :/

Insecurity

2010-07-20T22:34:00.003+08:00

Feeling insecure about many things....
- chem test tmr
- history source based
- wrist which hurts like a bitch when it's twisted
- chionging LA creative product
- clashing of GYF and AYC

The feeling of having completed reading what's necessary, but the empty feeling that the mind's probably going to go blank tomorrow, is drowning me. Damn. I shall go read and read and spam read again.
The third point is what made my mood fluctuate like the stock market today. :( When I massaged the wrist, I felt apprehensive and disappointed. Hate it. To think I still went to play ball after school today. It didn't hurt when I shot though. Although it's kinda aching now.

Being preoccupied makes me feel that life isn't a mundane and never-ending cycle, but being suffocated is a totally different thing. zzz.
Rantrantrant.

forgot to post pix from the visit to khoon's house. It was really long ago, when meng jas and I went to spring a surprise visit at her house. Chatted for a while and pity we couldn't meet up another time for dinner ):

Ezanne's really cuteee.

Take care kay! So you can continue playing the sport we all love (:

It just takes a heartbeat to realise you care

closer, but nowhere near

2010-07-18T22:24:00.007+08:00

This blog was on hibernation for god knows how long aha. I'm supposed to do my History source-based essay, but I just don't feel like it. Let this be the one and only time. Hopefully o.o
I wanted to update recently, but nowadays I'm busy mugging in the canteen, and by the time my dad fetches me home, it's already 8 plus 9.... then you bathe, eat, and get ready for sleep. eh heh.

CIP
The 3 month attachment with Lavender Service Centre ended. At first, I contemplated about continuing my attachment, so that I could help the girl and many other kids who need help in their studies, but I realised it was time and energy-consuming. The latter is influencing most of my decisions, because although time is never enough, you can somehow manage to squeeze some out to do things that you want. It all depends on your willpower and priorities.

I guess I really ran out of patience. Sometimes I think my smiles are so freaking patronising.
I really can't tend to kids huh.

RI Socratic Seminar

It was just this discussion with many people from other schools. I think it was less formal than those forums and conferences, but nevertheless, I gained much insight. Hmmms. Differing opinions and point of views, acceptance of comments and rebuttals.... the things I brought back with me are countless.
But I think the most important thing is to get your point across effectively by just making your point succinct and precise. And tone is really important too. there was this guy who kinda offended people when he was adamant about the fact that his definition of being oneself is right. He kept questioning others and gave really extreme examples which proved that his sayings were right. But extremism never applied to the majority, do they?

Stoned in Bishan after that before mugging with xy. Walked and walked around, and it felt really good to be outdoors and around the environment. I mean, there are so many times we get so preoccupied with everything at hand that we forget the original purpose of fulling the targets we set for ourselves. It sounds kinda dumb actually, to complete tasks without understanding why you are doing it.
Makes me feel like we are just puppets putting up a dumb show.

Eclipse
with teammies + Chan (if she becomes a bballer SOON, I DON'T NEED TO PUT PLUS ALREADY you woman!).
It was not bad lah I guess. Although I think there was hardly much plot and the storyline wasn't very concrete. But I aint a fan of it, so I didn't read the series (except the first book which I forgot almost 80% of it already), so i don't really know the difference between the book and the movie.

Next week gonna be a busy day. OH manz. Chemistry and History test (both of which I have yet to revise), and I signed up for 2 forums which will take up an entire week of schoodays. Agh.
Feeling really sleepy now.
Racial Harmony Day Celebration tomorrow. Sometimes I really wonder what's the use of celebrating it, when the only reason people rejoice is because they get to miss school. Actually I'm one of those people. Although missing lessons is never a good thing, the way teachers carry out lessons have drained all the joy and interest in studying. The purpose of studying is warped

Forging bonds

2010-06-27T00:36:00.020+08:00

This week was really satisfying and fulfilling. Had many family outings, and holidays no longer seem so mundane and meaningless.

MONDAY: Hortpark, Riding Center

With my bro and mum

Went to mummy's office early in the morning and had a wonderful breakfast, of egg-sandwiches and handmade milk-tea.http://help.blogger.com/bin/answer.py?answer=42197

The pantry was fascinating due to the warnings pasted on the walls. If you can actually read them. I was laughing to myself when I snapped the picture of it.

Began snapping pix of her table and saw many amusing photos. I can really see the change in all of us, and sometimes when you look back, it's amazing how much and how fast we grew. I still remember lamenting in p6 that secondary school life would be torturous because of the freaking heavy workload, but look where I am now.
Still struggling to keep afloat, but at least I aint drowing in the water (:

You see this pic and look for a girl with a mushroom-head. That used to be me. hehe, I think my mum only knew how to cut that hairstyle, so I had to live with it for more than 8 years of my life.

This pic is hilarious. I laughed till I nearly had a stomachache. Mushroom Head. AHAha. Fungi

Hit the gym next. It was really huge (compared to our school's pathetic one which actually lacks a threadmill -.-) Haven't really worked out in ages. Trainings shall be the substitute. Sweating after yoga today felt great and healthy again.

FIRSTLY, THE THREADMILL! and this cycling thing which I like alot

But nothing beats the one that trains the abdominals. I feel most disciplined doing that. For other exercises, I'll give up halfway. However, current state of mind = eat pig slack
Just snacked on potato chips while watching Mr Bean Holiday

[IDK why the pix turned so small. O.O]
Did this for show only. Gave up after a while. I don't wanna mountains for arms. But get lost, underarm flabs!
I think after all this lamenting and complaining, I'll still go back to my habit of snacking and eating as if I haven't ate for a million years.

Next was the treetop walk. Went with rae they'all before, so it wasn't really fascinating or whatsoever. It was just a great work-out in the morning, and I could feel myself panting and sweating at first.

Then we reached hortpark. It was pretty there, and it was so humid that I wished I could jump in the bond for a swim.

Next stop was the Riding Center that was going to be showcased during YOG. They were training the riders and horses, so we were supposed to make as much noise as possible to alarm the horses. Thunderous clapping and stamping of feet.......

Expert trainers wore some attire which made them looked real smart. Their horses had some eye-catchy stickers around their legs. They were really old horses which retired from racing, and were used to train new riders.

I liked the only WHITE HORSE, and there was only one female rider. female power!

They were amateurs so one guy was flung off the horse. I think the horse was agitated.

then it was LUNCH! Burger and fries.
My appetite was really screwed this week. Didn't feel like eating at all. I think I skipped 3 lunches and dinners in a row on Saturday.

The last performance was performed by this guy from sec school (which had horse-riding as a CCA, how cool is that!) and he managed to get his horse skip over obstacles. Seems easy, but it must be really difficult to control the horse I believe

THURSDAY: Universal Studios
FAMILY DAY OUT

My mum managed to get the tickets and it was full house that day. Tons of people. I was carrying a really positive attitude that it would be really fun, since it's singapore's one-of-a-kind. But after the entire trip, I think a single experience is more than enough. Most of the (EXCITING) rides were under renovation, and I think even if they were opened, things aren't exciting enough to cause me to visit the place again.

It's the first time I see people sitting around (THERE WAS ACTUALLY A COUPLE OF PEOPLE SLEEPING) in a theme park. At around 3 pm, people looked fatigued and bored. Hardly any signs of excitement. And the queues were really long. Not to forget the humidity and stickiness you feel from the hot sun.

I make things sound really horrible, but there are actually some fun stuffs, and it's a great way to relax and bond together as a family (: So the pix gonna have nice captions and enjoyable experiences and emotions. They aren't patronising but heartfelt.

Queuing to enter the place. the queues were really really really long...

ENTRANCE. My face almost cramped from smiling for so long. Turned out that my dad was waiting for the circular thing to rotate, so that the words UNIVERSAL would appear in the picture. -.-

My cousin who's really close to our family.
Taken when we were waiting for the rest to come out of the toilet. how weird is it that the first thing we did when we entered Universal Studios was to go pee?

FAR FAR AWAYY.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the attempt to create a magical fairytale land, and construct a fictitious impression, detached from reality, failed. It didn't feel surreal, at all.

First roller coaster ride
Was more of entertaining than exciting. The signboard totally gave us the wrong impression.
"This ride is full of sudden stops, increase in speed, turning, tossing over..."
Okay I totally forgot what was return on it, everything above was created by me. The only exact words were "This ride is..."

Matching bracelets (:

Second ride: some water ride
We wore ponchos to prevent ourselves from being soaked wet. Since they gave us a warning that we might get wet, even to the extent of DRIPPING WET, we anticipated a thrilling ride.
Only the last 2 minutes were worth savouring. At the start, it felt as if we were on some boat. Sailing slowly, lalala-ing... how romantic.

We went in 2 batches. Me, my sis and my mum tried it first, so we left our belongings with my dad, bro and cousin. So meanwhile, while waiting for them, we went to shop at the souvenir store, looking for a pair of slippers cos my bro's sandals came apart.
This always happens man. His shoes will SPOIL. Without fail. Previously was during the Malaysia trip.

Given the slackers and lazy bums we were, we decided to find a spot to sit. It was shady and comfortable, so yay

THIRD RIDE: Mummy ride
This was the most scary and entertaining roller coaster ride because it was all in the dark. And the car didn't move in just one simple direction. It could turn and go backwards. Enough adrenaline for the kids but insufficient for me. We ended up playing this for 7 times that day, 5 times when the place was about to close for the day.

Egyptian theme place

IT- themed place
Walked around this area, cos there was nothing much to ride. Except some circular cups which would go round and round. Took that and felt slightly giddy at first. Closed my eyes and everything felt normal already

Special Effects Movie
We were supposedly standing on a ship, and with the powers of special effects, we were able to experience how it felt like to witness a scale 5 hurricane. The storms and lightnings, enormous might which caused ships to capsize and glasses to be broken were really realistic. All of a sudden the ground will suddenly vibrate. Madness I tell you.

Outside the studio, waiting

Walking around, lalala-ing....

This sign was amusing. At that point of time.

Judicial Court?

Shrek 4D Film
Entertaining. The donkey in the Shrek Film would sneeze, and water would be splashed in our faces. It felt as if spiders were really crawling under our feet when something just wheezed past it. Then the chairs would move and vibrate whenever the horse began to ride.
I love the SNEEZES. hehe

Stuntmen Show
Performed by caucasians. I was commenting to my dad that it would be very weird if asians were performming it. Imaging them trying to get the audience to turn high and loosen up.... it's going to be really weird.

Anyway I didn't know that Singaporeans were that sporting to react to them, and begin screaming and waving their arms. The show was about this couple who knew how to reach land, and they refused to tell the (pirate?) [weird storyline]. Then there was "gunfire" and stunts where the guys would jump from an alarming height and yet not drown.
Speedboats were also involved, and the front row of audience would get wet.
I was FAR FAR AWAY, like the last row?

Canopy Ride
Waited for this ride for 45 minutes. Your legs would be dangling in the air..... Just treat it as a car ride alright. I've learnt that the higher your hopes, the more you'll be disappointed. :/

Snapped them when we were supposedly queuing. THE QUEUE WAS SUPER LONG !!!! hate waiting.

Walked around again, and snapped shots. Thanks Dad, for being the photographer and capturing such wonderful memories (:

We were back to the Egyptian place. Basically at this point of time (2pm), we ran out of things to do, so we decided to walk around the place once again. this proves how small the entire theme park is, and how little things you can actually do.

Guy with bulky body. And they look good in eye-liner o.o

DINNER! at Louis's Signature Pizza
yummmyy

Dressing Up
This was the next fun thing besides the mummy roller coaster ride. The hats were seriously too big for my head. hehe.

Freaking long hat which kept covering my eyes :/

Car exhibitions
What if, you had tons and tons of cars in a car gallery for you to pick and choose?

Back to the IT Place
This time there were 2 women walking on high stilts. Personally, I think the lady in pink was more friendly and livelier.

totally failed to copy her -.-

Another souvenir shop where we bought a shirt for my bro.

Snapsnap

LEAVINGGG
Shots before we leave that place to eat out at Vivocity's Koptiam

SATURDAY: Durian Trip in Malaysia

Most of the time was spent on travelling. Sat on the bus till my bum hurt. The ride was so bumpy that it felt like a roller coaster ride.

The durians weren't exactly fantastically delicious. It's just that you eat as much as you want, but there's a limit you can actually eat, isn't it? And you'll be busy fanning off the flies hovering around you and THE DURIAN, that you'll get really irritated.

The solution? Stand in front of the fan.
But another problem will arise. Your hair will FLYYY, making you look like some looney. And you might actually end up eating your own hair, which will be doubly disgusting, because you don't want your hair to smell of sweat and durian!
So left hand clutching my hair, right hair grabbing the durian. Wash the hands, and MINT SWEETS to the rescue!

Dinnered in some restaurant. Insignificant. I just know that some of them were complaining that the "abalone soup" was just gravy and tasteless.

Went into this shop which were meant for kawaii-people (not me, in short). A super big soft-toy caught my eye. Hugged it and caused it to drop but it was too heavy for me and my bro to put it back up. Had to trouble the employees over there to help us put it back.
After that trip, I'm like ultra sure I wanna a life-size bear. Except I'd have no place to put it at home. Cuddleee.
Then I wouldn't need to be so desperate to hug my pillow everytime.

Woah. Finally finished posting.
Anyway it's just picture-spammage. I tried typing more, but I realise it's kinda hard.

School gonna reopen tomorrow. Actually it's TODAY, at this point of time. Not exactly looking forward to it, because i have yet to complete my history homework. But it's good to see people again I suppose. Just hate it when people start screaming and yelling before rushing to hug each other. No I'm not jealous, but I just feel o.o
It's just 1 month?

I feel like I didn't accomplish much these holidays. Have been slacking too much and priorities were really screwed. Gah. This always happen.

Counting stars....
renewed sense of purpose?

HAINAN

2010-06-17T01:24:00.028+08:00

Credits to laobu (:
I still prefer calling her laobu, don't exactly see how it's really rude. laobu laobu!

Hainan trip was.....
- fun
- boring

ironic but it's true. The people made it fun, the itinerary made it boring.
Miss the late nights when we cramped up in a single room watching big grown-up guys chasing after a ball (aha I know we do that in bball too, but we don't hurt ourselves intentionally by doing a sliding tackle).
And I conclude that soccer is nice to watch, if you have funny people as company.

Soccer night at toby's room. It's funny how zhenwen will just take off his shirt, hurl it on the teevee and start hurling vulgarities when it's a bad play. haha. imagine having to do that when watching a bball match, how many shirts you need manz

I try to sound most coherent and reflective, so this post wouldn't be simply a post of narration. Kinda difficult since it's already 2 plus in the morning.
Feel quite tired but don't feel like sleeping. I need and want a shoulder massage now!

DAY 1 : airport, makan, hotel

First mistake of the day: to wear the RED level camp tee
Everyone was wearing the blue OBS tee, so I was the odd-one-out. Nevermind, on the brighter note of things, I wouldn't be lost because I would be so easily detected.

Tanjiaqi forgot to bring her passport. She's the best I tell you. And what's the excuse? It isn't written on the packing list. Actually it's true. I totally forgot my passport until my mum passed me the money and passport. But I didn't forget mine.

Lunch at Subway. Snacked on a cereal bar and felt really full. A lot of disgusting zilian unglam pix on facebook. Shall post the nicer ones here so I won't scare myself 10 years down the road when I come back to read about the nicer experiences I had with the bball team.

Sleeping like a ~~pig~~ housefly
The seats are really really cramped, can't stand it. I wonder how the tallies can squeeze their long bodies in that small area. I just had a weird thought, maybe this was what tom felt like when he tried groping through the mouse-hole for jerry.
Kns, talk about the lack of glucose.

On the bus, heading towards the hotel.
Didn't bother taking note of the names of the hotel. Just some chinese words with the words 海南 on it.

HOTEL

Camwhore camwhore.
Actually after the entire trip, smiling so many for photos and tagging so many pix on facebook, I feel so bloody tired of my face. Feel like going for plastic surgery or have some plastic mould for the face.
How can people camwhore so much, tsk

DINNER!
Looking at the exclamation mark, I should be very excited about it. And yes, at first, I definitely was. The prospect of food, after a long plane ride. The first dish, some 文昌鸡 wasn't chicken at all. Felt like plastic and had hella hard time biting it. Plus I was told to respect my table manners, so I couldn't just grab the dumb chicken piece by its wing and start tearing it apart with my teeth.

Don't try to picture it please. Worse still, imaging me doing it -.- Repulsive image

The dishes were weird. Side-dishes became main dishes. Celeries with some yellow flowers (that look like onions) were left untouched. No eggs. The wintermelon soup was nice, but having it for consecutive four days isn't exactly very satisfying.

Slacked around while waiting to be debriefed. We were having fun entangling our legs together. And as usual, everyone was segregated.
Went to the Carrefour to shop for stuffs. Had to rush cos the place was closing down. Everyone was exclaiming how cheap things were, and I bought this:

(: Food = bliss and happiness
Going to places like china, indonesia etc makes you feel rich. Money goes out like a river stream, and you will incessantly comment about how things are so cheap. But standing in the locals' point of view, it isn't exactly that way. If we were to put the figure of the price in singapore's context, it isn't cheap either.
Anyway, strong currencies ftw!

DAY 2: school, match, 印象海南

SCHOOL

Had to wear the school uniform. Agh. And we ended up sweating so much when we reached the school that it turned translucent.
Can't we wear LONG PANTS like the guys, or SHORT ones like our juniors (:

This statue was carved and created by the students; a tribute to the school. It's really cool.
I was really surprised that the library wasn't air-conditioned, I suppose the norms in Singapore make everything seem peculiar and unusual.

Friendly facilitators(:
We just talked and talked, and they seem genuinely interested in the conversation. There are guides who would just put on a false front and you can totally see them trying to stifle a yawn.

LUNCH: 麻辣面
12 bucks for a meal and bubble tea. There was 不辣，微辣，麻辣, and I opted for slightly spicy. It wasn't that bad, although hunghui and weiwen were screaming hell.

we had this game, in a bid to divert weiwen's attention away from the spiciness. Basically, just communicate with others and you aren't supposed to reveal that you're a singaporean, which means you hafta speak in proper english, omitting all the LAH, WHAT, MEH.

And it was awfully painful for her. The conversation will go like this:
Ww: YO WHAT'S UP (i hate this line, seriously. Cos you're the one who started talking first, and you're asking me what's up?! pathetic conversation starter)
>> Nothing?
Ww: How do you find the mee?
>> it's delicious. You?
Ww: It's fine, thank you
Pathetic conversation but it'll end up her screwing up in the fourth line, when she goes "HUH, got meh!" or "NO WHAT!
Joker

Anyway before that, we went to the arcade and kept playing the bball game. It was really cheap, 1 buck for 1 token, and each game requires 2 tokens, which means, a game costs 40 cents in singapore's context.
Played till my arms were aching and yelling in pain, but it felt great. I sweated like mad. We didn't go shop because the stores were all retail outlets which sold clothes that were equally expensive and most of the shops were closed.

The facilitators weren't willing to bring us out, so we were stranded in that pathetic squarish plot of land, walking with the danger of being banged down by any oncoming car whose driver can't see me in broad daylight.

MATCH
It was emotionless.
I think I felt so much more during interclass games. Felt like a zombie floating around the court, didn't dare to receive the ball which weighed like a ton, defence was lagger than lag, didn't run because my brain didn't tell me to do so and my legs didn't coordinate.... so I totally disappointed and disgraced myself.
Heck. Just have to work out more since I'm back. It felt really unhealthy and fat.
I hate losing self-control.

I like this pic (: Fan for added effects hahah.

DINNER
was normal... Not much difference, except zhanglaoshi was sitting beside me.
After this entire trip, I gained a better understanding of vegetarians. How vegetarians can hate vegetables, and how they sniff the food before tasting. (I thought veges just smelt of garlic?)

On the bus before dinner (:

印象海南
It was amusing and awesome at the same time. Amusing because the guys were ogling at the supposedly-hot, white babes. Awesome because the ideas and sequence was really jaw-dropping.
Basically it was meant to highlight all the wonderful points of Hainan. The beaches, the coconuts, the oceans. that's all, but I suppose it's good enough?

I like the masks. It isn't unrealistically ideally cute but unproportional, but it's capable of making you smile.

DAY 3: Water spamming, 温泉, fish spa

LUNCH
Didn't feel different. The only thing to note was probably Fraser consuming a whole bowl of god-knows-what. Leftovers from the table? Coach came over and we thought he wanted to stop him, but he ended up handing him the saucer of vinegar.
HA.
Going through all that trouble for S$10? I don't think it's worth it. Felt really paiseh for him sia. My stomach will cramp so much that I'll die so many times over if I were to consume that.

WATER SPAMMING
If you're strong, great, you've self-protection. If you're some kuku duck like me, prepare to get hit. Had no arm strength so my attacks became showers of water. I think it actually felt good instead of it being painful.
But there were funny moments which were really entertaining. Ann tied a yellow piece of cloth to the stick and waved it to surrender. Not that it had much difference hahaa.

Then when we were sailing on the river, we used the sticks to row the boat. It looked pathetic, because it wasn't even in sync. And laoshi was really funny hiding under that small blue umbrella, fending off attacks. She still ended up wet anyway haha. At least she didn't hide somewhere else, and actually joined us up there (:

Bought the dress for 50 bucks. It was on an impulse thing, because I didn't want to change into my tight clothes. Wanted something airy so bought this, and ohwells, received shitload of negative comments.
Chieh, anyway I conclude that dresses still don't suit me.

The hotel this time was really TINY. But it was just for a night, so it didn't really matter. We didn't end up in our rooms anyway.

Wasting time by the pool. I don't know what the hell I was doing. The poses on facebook are ridiculous. Swimming pools give a serene feeling, don't they? Especially when the pools are empty, the water's still and the breeze is really strong. I don't like crowded pools, especially those with a lot of old men and ahbengs who gawk at my swimming attire. It makes me feel self-conscious and embarrassed.

SWIMMING
The hot spring was disappointing and nowhere near expectations. It was just a circular pool filled with water which was hotter than the one from the swimming pool. But everyone was sexy (: the girls. The guys were...... BIG.

FISH SPA
TICKLISH!
It stung abit at the start, as if there was electricity running through your legs, but after awhile, it felt as if there were many nibbles at your feet. everything felt comfortable till Jinzhi and brandon came in. Jinzhi took all my fish when all the fishes went to eat his dead skin, until my legs were so bare. Don't know if it's a good or bad thing ha

The night was spent watching soccer again. It was freezing cold and I think I slept from 5 to 7, curled up on the sofa with nothing on, EXCEPT MY CLOTHES. I meant I didn't had any blankets or sorts. I really hafta control my use of language, lest people will have the misconception. Let me recall them.

On the second night, toby was like: Do you know, the dick is very important...
I was like: duh, who doesn't need a dick?
[oops] I meant, which guy didn't need a dick, seriously -.- The whole room started laughing. Gah
Then on the third night, before we left for dinner, I asked Mr Low, so what are we doing tonight?
Jiaqi burst into laughter and Mr low was giving me O.O look before I realised my mistake. shit sia, I just meant, what is our schedule tonight?

DAY 4: beach restaurant, asian conference place, BEACH, departure

Breakfast. The cakes were yummy, but the drinks were TASTELESS. It's amazing how they actually bother to serve the drinks when they made it so dilute already.

BEACH RESTAURANT
The sand was very fine and the breeze was strong. Camwhored alot, I think 50% of the album was taken here.
The food felt the same.

ASEAN CONFERENCE place
Actually I think this stop was useless because no one bothered to listen to the tour guide's explanation. She was so rigid and unnatural, not to forget her lack of humour. I think this stop was just a showcase to the tourists that Hainan Island has its significance in China, and it isn't just known for its beaches and coconuts.

BEACH
We took a ferry to this beach which looked like the perfect place to shoot a movie of people getting stranded. Nothing unique.
Except more camwhore shots.

AIRPORT
Plane flight delayed by an hour.

Ate the yummy chicken instant noodles laoshi gave us, because the store went out of them. Memorable dinner huh (:

Strip Blackjack.
Everyone just took off their shoes hahaha, the game went nowhere near the clothing.

Then it was home sweet home (:
Ate pastries for supper and slept at 3.

Touch and Go

swimswim

2010-06-09T13:20:00.004+08:00

-wanted to post a pic of a nice stomach- but decided not to, because

firstly, it will make me envious

secondly, I'll look like a perv

Which I'm not.

or maybe not.

But I don't deny that I admire good figures, be it guys or girls, cos I think it says a lot on one's self-discipline and self-expectations. Golden tan, nice stomach, pleasant face, great personality.... that's what everybody wants isn't it?

ANYWAY, I Swam with Crystal and Syl at Anchorvale CC yesterday. Despite the lack of sun, it still felt great and comfortable. What sets swimming apart from other sports is that even after you worked out and you feel the intense heat in your body, you don't feel sticky, sweaty and annoyed. Then you can laze around in the pool, and even if you don't do anything, you'll feel exhausted at the end of the day.

It was kinda amusing when Crystal was feeling insecure about her bikini and stuffs. hehe. Understand the feeling cos when I wore it for the first time, I felt embarrassed and insecure. Maybe it is just me being oversensitive or something, but you can't help but think that people will look, and most of the time, it's not complimentary.

And Crystal actually said that we should have taken a picture. Please please please lah, even if you took one, you can't exactly post them here right. o.o Which kinda annoyed me that I have to control what I post and everything, just because this is a public blog. dzzhzshh.
So flat already still wear... something that I totally can imagine people saying that. Hehe, not that I exactly care, because I know I'm an airport runway. And in Jiaqi's terms, it's African airport runway. With some bumps here and there.

Immune to that already, because I've heard a fair share from my mum. She was abit exasperated when I kept asking her to help me tighten the top, then she blamed my flat-chestedness for the hassle. Cos if you have it... er, you'll have GREAT SUPPORT. yah.
ha

Didn't exactly ball because the weather was gloomy. Completed my math assignments already and I have yet to pack my luggage for Hainan trip. Gonna complete some work too, before I leave in another 2 days.

Marching on

2010-06-04T09:49:00.003+08:00

by Timbaland (:

I realised I spent the past hour blogging. 45 minutes passed and after this post, it'll probably be one hour.

Yesterday was the friendlies against Waseda Senior High School.
What to say, I didn't get to play much and I totally understood why. Lousy defence, and I"m really lazy. tsk.
But it was fun zihigh-ing at the sides of the court and the bus, though I felt exhausted after the entire thing.
Chionged to school to bathe, before meeting my family for dinner.

Some pic grabbed on the bus back to school from Waseda Senior High school

Although we ate at a hawker at Ang Mo Kio, bonding felt good. I just wished I had a night walk.
Speaking of bonding, there gonna be 2 family outings this month heh! The day after Hainan trip will be a family outing to Universal Studios, and 26th gonna be a durian trip to Malaysia.

Crystal was saying that she missed this family bonding, and I guess it's really hard to get the whole family together, at this point of time when everyone has different priorities and schedules. It made me feel guilty at the thought that I haven't been exactly active these days and my schedules always seem to be clashing with the rest. Many a times, I was unresponsive and unenthusiastic.
Anyway, I think we bonded more with mahjong.

Gonna complete at least 2 jianbaos today and try to make today a meaningful non-slackish day for me, since tomorrow would be eaten out by the dry run for the humanities challenge.

Marina Barrage | Elective

2010-06-04T08:58:00.011+08:00

Elective: Film Literacy
It wasn't as good as I thought it might have turned out to be, nor was it as bad as I thought it would have been. Ironic, but this always happen when you enter a room without expectations or enthusiasm. But who would be enthusiastic about ELECTIVES, you tell me!

So basically we were introduced to many parts of a film, and the many filming techniques. We watched many BORING films, and I realised that budget = quality. There were many films which were kinda boring and meaningless, leaving you just hanging in space after the entire thing ended. Worse still, comedies aren't funny, and you actually sleep through it? I think melodramas would be more entertaining, cos you'll probably be laughing at the ridiculousness of the characters weeping as if the world has come to an end.

But still, I wouldn't exactly weep.

[sidetrack]
I typed misery in the image search and I found this gloomy pic. heh I like (:

Do you exactly worry if the world comes to an end? I know my mum thinks it's good because nothing beats having the entire family dying together, so no one will wallow in despair and misery. And at that thought of it, everything around you seems mediocre and insignificant.

If the world were to come to an end soon,
I wouldn't be:
- blogging now
- attempting to reduce the annoying pile of homework
- bothering to save up for anything
- concealing my true emotions and thoughts when I'm around people whom I'm not exactly very close to, so they would not have warped impressions of me and use them against me, for whatever shitty reasons.
[sudden thought: why don't people dare to say whatever they think in front of others, and instead choose to backstab or gossip behind their backs? Don't they see that if it becomes a norm to become straightforward, it'll be a cycle and the world will be a happier place?] [/end of thought ha]

I would be:
- spending spending spending LOADS on food
- balling
- I wanted to type eat and sleep, but I realised they took up a lot of time

[end of sidetrack]
Oh so anyway, FILM LITERACY was just 3 days of slacking for us. Many a times I nodded away and was really sleepy, so I just lay my table and slept. It felt good, and that's all that mattered.

Marina Barrage
It was a class outing organised my Ms Tan, and while others were doing their CIP activities, we were busy viewing the entire place, snapping photos and having a picnic. It was relatively enjoyable I guess, except for the fact that Ms Tan kept asking us to stand in the BLOODY HOT SUN, snapping 10 photos in a row. I don't mind the heat, but having to smile and squint your eyes is not on my list of to-dos.

Taken outside this cafe which had an annoying policy. Only customers were allowed to sit -.-
I wouldn't even be obstructing any business since hardly anyone was there when I was. Chieh. [whatever this means, haha]

In the gallery, there was this section with loads of holes and the lights would change every 30 seconds. Pretty pretty (: And it was really nice to hug, cos it was of the right size.

The talk was informative and comfortable, because of the air con (: And the whole place was sparkly and shiny, so it was fascinating of some-sort.

Then we walked over to some big empty space where Ms Tan told us of her leaving our class. Didn't feel very sad at first, but after hearing her narrate her predicament and problems, I felt for her. Knowing the pig I am, sleeping is probably on my favourite to-do list. Not being able to sleep when you're feeling tired or it's a necessary for you to do so, would definitely affect my entire functioning. My mood, my efficiency, everything.

I was wondering why this pic was here, then I remembered that I wanted to use it for the BEFORE AND AFTER pic that Rae suggested I post. Took a long time sieving through facebook pics for individual pics, and I found this spastic one which provides good comic relief. Chan spent a long time laughing at it. Jiajian's imba camera is damn quick.

WHICH REMINDS ME, NONONONO, rachel tan shall not touch Jiaqi's DSLR ): But I think I'm kinda immune to spastic photos already. I can't expect every picture to be normal and decent right? You have to be super ultra chio to the max to have that to happen to you. Like every angle of your face is like: woah, a pic of an angel descended from heaven.
BEFORE:
rachel said I've thick lips. I agree that my lips are really fat after this pic was taken. SIGH ):

AFTER:
No diff I think. I didn't get darker, just that I've a weird tan line at my arms.

Went back to school to get the report book slips. My grades improved alot, and I'm glad for that.
I'm not going to be like those annoying people who would post their high GPA like 3.7, and say something like this:
[ Almost everyone in the class got higher than me, and frankly speaking, I really think I could have gotten better. If not for the silly careless mistakes and the times when I chose to procrastinate, I would probably achieved 3.93 ]

Seriously, screw you -.-
Then people will post in their tagboard like this:
[ WALAO, so high lo! I got only 3.5! (another ass) And you didn't slack lo, you mugger. Anyway you should take a break since you worked so hard for it right? ]

Sometimes I can't help but feel that people degrade themselves OPENLY OUT LOUD to gain attention and receive the cheap pleasantries they hope to hear. It probably boosts their ego and affirms their self-confidence and self-worth.

Which further reminds me of this point which I really hate of people. Discussing the bloody paper which has already passed. Okay, it's their mouth, so I don't exactly have any control of it, but can they contain their excitement and discussion in their classrooms, and not bring them to the toilet?
That's the place where I let out all my toxic waste and wash my face, so that I can feel refreshed and at least allow myself be self-deluded for that mere seconds that things would be fine, even though I know that I probably flunked it or will not hit expectations.

Annoying.
Same sentiments, people? hehe.
Great minds think alike,_______ differ. Forgot what that word was. Argh.

OBS

2010-05-29T07:47:00.005+08:00

AFTER 14 DAYS? no 15. It's really lagged, but the mood wasn't right for me to post about such a long and fulfilling trip.

At first, I thought it would just be a torturous trip where people realise the shortcomings and ugly sides of people we never saw. In short, it was just something bad and disastrous. And I had a feeling I'll flare up. LIKE FLARE UP.
And I did in the end anyway. Oops, my bad.

Not gonna do much description because it's tiring. So the FIRST DAY was just some administration stuff. Got to our base camps and threw our bags there. There was a briefing on waste management and food rationing. Everyone ended up with plastic bags full of food. There were biscuits, bread, cereal bars, apples, oranges, sachets of milo powder, chrysanthemum powder, coffee, and a lot of other small munchies which were HIGH IN CALORIES so that energy would be provided.

And it's precisely because THERE WAS MORE THAN ENOUGH food that I gained weight DURING OBS. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I saw the measurement on the weighing machine when I came back right from OBS. To laugh, because I was probably the only retarded one in school to GAIN weight during OBS when the food given to us were supposedly not nourishing. To cry, because not only did I not LOSE weight, yeah you got it, I GAINED WEIGHT.

The bad part of this is when people hear that you gained weight during OBS, they will be thinking: wa siao, what shit did she eat manz. Must have eaten other people's rations. Pig sia.
I didn't EAT their rations! I ate mine! I guess I just didn't starve myself because my appetite was good. Weird yes, but I never really understood how it felt to be hungry. I just know I like the feeling of eating. Of course, the feeling that your stomach is bloated is annoying, cos it feels as if you have a beer-belly. like ONE BIG ROUND PACK.
Sidetrack: I still haven't found the right spelling of pack. you know, like 6 packs. is it pack, or pec, or pac.

And my weight still hasn't gone down yet. Normally weight fluctuations will go back to normal, wouldn't they?!

Next me and Char went to check the store items and blabla.
Learnt to belay, which was really entertaining, although the person you are belaying ought to be lighter than the belayer, if not he'll probably FLY UP when he's coming down. Ha, I think only those who went through the entire thing will understand what I'm saying.

Then we cooked dinner. I think it was the first time in my entire life where I actually help out in making a meal. I have never cooked a decent meal before, except maybe helping to crack eggs? Eh no, I can't even crack eggs properly, without having a shell or two in the mixture. The surge of excitement when piping hot food was served is irreplaceable. And the joy of filling your supposedly-empty stomach with canned food which you never once exactly yearned for or fancied. I still don't exactly know the feeling of hunger yet. I think I'm just interested in the idea of placing food in my stomach.

There was some displeasure when some people just left to bathe without helping to clear up. I was annoyed too, but the great thing about reflections after a period of time is that when you think back, that mere incident seems too insignificant of any mention. Emotions fade.
So yah, I was really annoyed. Imagine climbing the (hill? mountain?) SLOPE and being sweaty and stinky (STINKY AS in really stinky because I sweat like a pig), to only witness people applying powder on their CLEAN BODY, smelling freaking good. Emotions will build up and you'll feel yourself bursting.

But anyway, who cares about it now, I'm SMELLING equally good now, or even better, hehe.
It's just that you'll witness the uglier sides of people during camps and you begin questioning if it is truly the real side of them, or it's just that it's their first time enduring such a stinky camp, that's why they're like that. It's understandable I suppose, not wanting to smell, and seeking the best for yourself. It's just a matter of priorities and perspectives.

Next we pitched the tent. It was the worst night of all, and we actually pitched our tent at the highest point of the hill -.- So it was muddy and dirty and itchy, but I think the most disturbing part was that we slept sweaty. So it's the same as waking up and and breaking out in sweat as if you played a basketball match in your dreams because you have a fever.
So this was the worst night I ever had, because I couldn't straighten my legs, and I did not dare to move about, in case I wake the rest up. And many a times I woke up, thinking it was probably 4 or so, but it was probably 2 or 3. Time passes really slowly duriing camps.

The SECOND DAY was completing the height elements. (I'm feeling a bit tired of descriptions now. Not to mention me feeling lazy now. gah I shall complete this for the sake of future memories)
They look easy but they definitely aren't. My whole body ached after I reached the top. Sweeyee was really damn bloody imba. And nothing beats the satisfaction experienced when you reach the top. Belaying was tiring and I had a rope burn as a result. Could see the pus which would be oozing out in the future. It still has an ugly mark on my hand. Hopefully it wouldn't turn into a scar.

Then..... er, what did we do? Oh, we learnt how to kayak. Training for the next day.
We kayaked to camp 2, and this time we had a wonderful place to pitch our tents. BY THE SEA, where you can feel the breeze and hear the waves. Without the mosquitoes, I might even consider the experience romantic. hahaha.

DAY THREE
Kayaked the entire day (8 hours to be precise, is it?) with 4C. Heng the weather was good, not blazing hot. I think I would have died, although I really love the scorching sun. Charmaine kept splashing water on my face when she was attempting to kayak REALLY FAST.
hahaha, although there were time when our spirits were low and I totally felt like stopping and pigging, there were memorable times when we began laughing like mad, for I don't-know-what reasons. hehe.

Then dinner. Maggee mee this time. Could see that some people were trying to make up, and it felt good. Gerald was really hungry when he gobbled the food that he declined at first, until Amanda they'all pushed the food to him. Stupid guy kept claiming that he wasn't hungry. Ya right.
But it was really sweet. Ha, camps show the noble side of people. So now I wouldn't only think of him as a gl person who calls me black black one.

Camped at the kana sai place again -.-

DAY FOUR
We were late. Like 1 and a half hour. Breakfast was just everything and anything. And I learnt how to use the can-opener like imba fast. Quite fun. I think it's a great way of venting your frustration. Imagine the can to be someone's head, and think like this "Now SCREW YOU, I'm gonna pierce your tiny head and eat your brains out, you LOUSY. Look what I've in my hand. it's a CAN-OPENER, now say your last wishes"
I sound like a budding murderer. ohno. Are people gonna repel me, like really fast soon? hahah. Okay la, I didn't think like that when I was opening the 2 cans of fish luncheon meat. But anyway, can-opening is easier than it looks.

We totally missed out on rafting because we did not have enough time to build the damn raft which is so bloody difficult to build. Of course I didn't exactly help (cos I'm not a UG PERSON, okay excuse), but I was just being extra, carrying the barrels and hopefully providing some (necessary?) help.
Asked for a time extension and I seriously thought we would be given extra time. When they blatantly said no, I felt anger, then disappointment. We were late that morning, so we didn't exactly had any right, did we?

Then there was this talk about the importance of time. (oh this talk was held in the morning) I think it was really meaningful. we only have 86 400 seconds every day, and they can no longer be given back to us, no matter how wealthy we are, or how blissful we once were.
And I'm actually glad that we were denied the time extension because I wouldn't remember this event so vividly.

Dinner was awesome because there was nice meals. We had eggs, and loads of luncheon meat. I think I just sat there and opened the canned food. nothing else. Jamie and Grace cooked. The knife is really @#(*&@*$&#! Can't even cut shit. zzz. I gave up after like 4 cuts.

It was great I guess, cos I talked more to people whom i wouldn't talk to in school. It was really surprising when yen lin and I actually began talking hahah. You know, there are some people in class which you will just smile or say hi to, and after that, nothing progresses. There wouldn't exactly be other reasons to talk to her right.

The last day was just clearance of the store and saying the last goodbyes to the camp. Ate KFC after that and took the train back home. Packed my stuffs and slept till 12. Snacked and watched teevee until 2 before dozing off until 9 the next day. Then played mahjong hehe.

The final night's briefing was longer and usual, and we had our final reflection entry. Everyone shared their feelings, and we gained more than we lost in the entire camp.
Gained tolerance and appreciation for whatever we have, lost our expectations of cleanliness...
It wasn't exactly a life-changing experience, but it truly tested our limits, mentally and physically.
And most importantly, it allowed me to know the importance of time.

But I believe I'll still procrastinate. Like why not. I hafta force myself. FORCE MYSELF!

And this quote from OBS is really meaningful

You will never be able to seek new oceans, if you don't have the courage to lose sight of the shores

Forgot the exact words, but it's really true. How many times have we dared to try something different? Who knows, things may have turned out differently...

Boundaries were meant to be unreachable and limits, stretched.

Anticipation

2010-05-16T19:32:00.009+08:00

Haven't updated in ages, and I shall drop a post before leaving for OBS. AHHHH. And I need to update more often if not I'll eventually forget what I experienced and felt.
Anyway, these few weeks were great because tests are finally oveerrrr and I stayed back more often these few weeks.

Interclass
got 2nd and i realised it's the same as last year haha. I think nobody treated the finals seriously cos we kinda gave up. My calves started cranking up and it's really scary when you run and feel that something is contracting. I didn't know that the feeling of getting cramps were that scary.

It always happen every year. Last year, this year, probably every year. Over-competitiveness brings out the horrid nature in everybody. Or maybe it's just me. I guess I take interclass really seriously, to the extent that my attitude is more serious than that for studies.
If only I can split them up.
Then I ended up being black-face (not like I'm not black enough), and start spewing vulgarities on court. Tsktsk. To think that I actually told myself that I will reduce my use of vulgarities.
Nevermind, I'm trying I'm trying aha..

Just remembered this and I wanna make an imprint here again. Referee-ing for interhouse made me understand how difficult it is to satisfy both sides when it comes to umpire-ing competitive games. Not to mention that I'm younger and they'll probably be thinking like "who the eff is this girl. If you don't know the game, please screw off like a few kilometres away and don't hold the damn whistle"
Ha, couldn't help thinking like that when they were kinda unhappy with the decisions made. Ugh.

Just bathed and I feel refreshed. Took a few picx to capture how I look like now, before OBS. I can totally predict my face being screwed up when I come back. Not the black part, but the part where my face turns into ridges and hills. :(

whoo I look whiter here. aha.
But I still prefer myself being tanned. I'm anti-white.

Bet chansou is laughing at this pic now.
Anyway I realised putting your hair up like that is nice cos it helps your hair dry up quicker. Without the use of a hair-dryer of course.

My mentee at the Lavender CIP service centre.
Being a teacher is easier said than done. really. I wonder if smiling and explaining and reiterating your point, while feeling slightly annoyed, is being patronising and two-faced. It's really tiring I guess. And not to mention it being difficult.

Meetup with Clique!
SIAN NO PICTURE. hahaa
Anyway it was an awesome dinner because we managed to catch up so much. Love khoon, Jas, meng and Zhan to bits. It was great laughing like mad, and I knew a lot of people were probably staring at us in KFC since we were making a great nuisance of ourselves, but who really cares right. I was really glad that there weren't exactly any barriers and we were having tremendous fun like before.
If only my neck didn't screw up :( hehe

CS night
CS Night was great. The dances and drama were really good. i guess the only thing that I didn't like about the performance was the opera. I can't appreciate it.
Met Jamie, Shujun and Sweeyee for dinner at Paya Lebar. The laksa there is really yummmyyyy

It was around 11.15 when I reached Compass. I actually hoped that Mr Bean was open so I could grab an ice-cream and feel less lethargic but obviously it was closed. So I popped up at 7-Eleven to grab some crackers and felt happier when I walked home.
It was really dark and quiet but it felt serene, although I would have preferred a breeze over still trees.
AND I CAME TO A CONCLUSION. whenever I feel sad, I just need the crackers from 7-eleven and an ice cream from Mr Bean (:
Finally I found a solution to lift my moods and spirits up.
So if anyone pisses me off and wants my forgiveness, you can try the method stated above. Or if you feel like being nice and treat me to them, you can you know! then I'll like you better. Isn't it just great?
hehe, hinthint.

EDS NIGHT
Was late to meet jacob and Shermin for dinner so I ended up with a yummy bun which had chilli oozing out when you bite it.
Reached the PAC a little late so had to take the seats on the 2nd floor. The annoying peeps in front of me blocked my view.DAMNIT. But I still enjoyed the night anyway. It was really good and entertaining (:

I think Timbaland's album is nice. This is lag I know. But I think he should start singing songs himself instead of having almost every song sung with another artist, and most of the time the vocals aren't at least 50% his. zz.

Okay I gonna go do my SGC and send it tonight since it's the deadline already. Then gonna go watch some magic show on Channel U and have a good sleep.
Though I believe that OBS is dirty and tiring, I'm anticipating it because this is the first time where my limits are tested, and I'll find out if I'm the mentally and physically strong girl I thought I was, or it was just a facade to hide behind, so that people will naturally repel me. I don't know.

Exceeding expectations

2010-05-05T21:59:00.002+08:00

Yay so we got into the 2nd round for netball. Feels great when you make it but it feels horrible when everyone's so tired and you aren't exactly panting. Sweating doesn't count though :/
I don't know, I think I hardly ran? oops.

Ref-ed Year 3 interclass horribly. I think. Didn't exactly blow much. I think I make a bad ref cos I'll turn lazy at times. Balled with crystal after everyone left and it's really weird when there's ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IN SCHOOL. You know, even on quiet days there'll be some PRCs around.

I'm feeling lethargic now. I wanted to do something constructive at first but I realised I cannot make it. Was feeling grouchy during Chinese cos I was so tired and nothing seemed to be entering my tiny, shrinking brains. I need a good sleep.

Mood fluctuations are really scary cos they turn you into monsters.
At least that's the impression I give people.
can't really help it when I don't feel like smiling much nowadays.
And the bloody heat is unbearable.

Just ranting.

Change without lingering in the shadows of others

2010-05-01T08:59:00.008+08:00

Speech day yesterday...
I felt indifferent. Really. I don't even know why, but I didn't feel proud or anything. Sianz.
When the award recipients had their academic achievements announced, I felt a pang of admiration, jealously and inferiority. Admiration for their capability, jealousy.... I think it's too strong a word, but no, I wasn't exactly very jealous ha. Inferiority because I might never achieve half of what they actually did, in a lifetime.
but it's alright! I guess I've to just stay content with who I am.

It's really hard to stay true to yourself at times, because there are always people way in front of you, and their achievements are so glaring that you can't help but slow down and look at yourself. You don't exactly self-reproach, but you wonder if you can improve and change for the better, with everything inside you intact, unmoved.

Concert was great. The passion for arts and the time spent on fine-tuning their every note - it really made me wonder if I actually felt as strongly for something before at all. Whenever things seem too distant, unreachable and unattainable, I always hide myself in cocoon with some plausible excuse.
Take Thursday for example. Sucked totally. Had to confront my suckiness as a pg again, and I was worried once again. Stupid. Hate it. Then Mr Low had to come and tell me that I need to improve my moves and can't keep shooting. That I agree, but that was a really wrong timing for those words of advice, wasn't it? I was kinda choked with tears when replying him at first but I managed to keep those emotions in check, so he didn't figure it out.

Went to the basketball court to sit a while and was glad that it was really dark. Only wished that the court was empty, then I would have had more peace and serenity.

On a brighter note, I'm going out to have a great rest today (:
gonna go meet jacob at cityhall and go suntec and lalalala.
And I think after everything I gonna have a night walk. Breathe in some fresh air. This totally sounds like some schedule of some old aunty. I really lead an uninteresting life.

Change without lingering in the shadows of others, is that actually possible?

a stumbling block to what seemed eternal

2010-04-25T23:14:00.005+08:00

It is 15 mins before midnight. o.o Today seems short because it was productive and I feel that weekends are no longer a drag anymore.

ACE Group work at Jiamei's house. Woke up at 7 and took the circle line to Yishun, only to realise that Jamie would be one hour late. So we had KFC's porridge for breakfast. It's really yummy, except you should take note not to spam pepper cos it'll totally destroy the taste.

Completed the ACE Poster already and there was a great sense of accomplishment. Spent alot of time rotting and sidetracking, but it was fun in general (: Jiamei's parents are really nice and fed us loads of food hahaha.
Pics:

Apparently I decided to sleep for half an hour and kinda jolted out of my sleep when Xintian and Jiamei woke me up. I think I look really horrible and unglam when I'm asleep. I can feel it. Oh wells, when you're really asleep, you don't really care how you look like. You just want a good sleep and that's all you care about. If looks mattered so much, you might as well wear a nice masquerade mask when sleeping on the airplane.

They tried putting this pic as a wallpaper but apparently it looked pervertic. I guess I still can sleep anywhere and everywhere. I remember dozing off in less than a minute when I hit the sofa.

Then collated the history things so I felt great when I left at around 4:30. Grace didn't come again due to some unforeseen circumstances. At first, I was kinda annoyed because of the lack of contribution but I had a different thought at the end of the day. If she was present, things would have been kinda awkward from time to time because of the lack of conversation topics. Then everything that was conversed would be superficial.

Cleared some air with my mum. Actually we didn't. We just began talking again. I think we're just waiting for the other side to open up. And I need to learn how to resolve conflicts. Or at least stop a misunderstanding from turning into something grave.
At least things are better now since I don't have to dread going home these days and wage a cold war at home. I know an apology would rectify everything, but what for, if deep down inside, you don't feel sincerely sorry?

I rather someone blatantly tells me that they are still feeling annoyed with me but the status quo isn't exactly what they are hoping for, instead of apologizing, despite the fact that that's the last thing they wanna do. Can't people be more frank and true to themselves? If they really are, this world would be void of backstabbers and betrayals.

Yoga was great. I feel more relaxed and my mind seemed to be calmer.

Everything is a matter of perspective. I don't regret having such thoughts since it can't be helped if I thought like that. Did contemplate about posting it but since this is my personal space and outlet to let out my frustrations, I didn't see why I had to consider so much. It's really redundant to password protect all the supposedly personal posts, or bury them deep in my heart. I feel better letting things out, and at least I wouldn't deny anything if anyone were to approach me and beginning questioning everything. Don't see the need to conceal so much. Being frank and addressing whatever you're facing may not provide desirable results, but it's much better than escaping.

It's true everything would have probably diminished to nothing if I allowed time to allow the emotions to fade away, so it would have been absolutely unnecessary to speak so much shit. Actually this is absolutely true. But why torture myself into believing that I'm feeling alright at that point of time, when after typing everything out, I feel more at ease?

A mountain out of a molehill?
Maybe perhaps it was a mistake altogether.
But what's done cannot be undone and they say that as impressions and emotions turn vague, your heart begins to harden and close up.

apathy

2010-04-24T21:39:00.006+08:00

Danzage was fine.
It was a great way to relax but after that tired night, it kinda sucked to return back to reality and face the mountains and piles of work.
And I think dancing is so much harder than bball.
Andand, modern dance seems harder than hiphop since it's so graceful and everything, but is it me or it just has the capability to make you space out for a few seconds?

Met Qi and Chan at tampines for dinner. Ate at pastamania.
And while Qi went to pee me and Chan had fun in the baby changing room. There were people staring at us but I don't care.

Really missed the days when I was younger when things came by so easily. Now, you have to fight or argue for things to have your way.

Cold war Talk today was okay. Surprisingly, I had a good sleep.

Seriously, don't take my indifference and easygoingness as nonchalance and submission, and begin treating me as an easy target for your manipulative ways with my emotions. Just because you claim you can't do it doesn't mean that I've to be your lackey whom you call at your whims and fancy. I'm always the last jigsaw piece to fit in the puzzle isn't it? To just blend in anywhere when everyone is comfortable with where they are, and there's this empty spot that no one is willing to fill up. It's that convenient.

Trying to make the best out of every situation to satisfy everyone does not mean I'm exactly happy with whatever I'm doing, nor do I VOLUNTEER, beg or pray every night to be caught in the kind of situation when I've to satisfy the whole world but myself

I was really pissed off, annoyed and disappointed. I'm not obligated to do anything, but there is this part of me who feels like it wouldn't hurt to help. I was really thrilled and brimming with pride when people around me were happy. Yes it didn't hurt when everything was smooth-sailing, but it pains me when everything is taken for granted.

The speed that everything just shot out of your mouth surprised me, or should I not be surprised when at times you fail to note my annoyance and continue with your inappropriate comments at that point of time. Sarcasm has its limits. Nevermind, I shall continue to be the accommodating one.

I thought I would feel apathetic now and everything would resume back to normal but it didn't.. I didn't know I would feel so strongly about this but I'm glad that after today, I know I've more ego and resolve than I thought i did.
And surprisingly, I don't and didn't regret saying
Fuck You

perspectives

2010-04-21T20:19:00.003+08:00

Today's Rehearsal was a waste of time. -.- How come I don't feel anything when I knew I was going to receive the award? No sense of accomplishment but just a feeling of indifference.

Circle Line is really really really fast. fast fast fast. Now there's a lesser reason for me to be late, haha.

And damn those math assignments. Roar. Hate it hate it hate it.
Good lucks for math test tomorrow people!
First time I'm feeling so apprehensive and insecure, because I did all the preparations I possibly could, but I feel so empty, as if I did nothing at all.

you're just really great at making a big fuss out of nothing yeah?
Maybe it was complacency on my part when I assumed that you knew how and what I felt.
I admit I'm unreasonable at times, and I don't exactly think before I speak, but I'm still a growing kid and I've every right to spit everything that's on my mind out.
I don't succumb to expectations, neither will I turn ever turn submissive without any justifications. Seriously please, from day one I was born into this world, you should have already known that I was some troublesome pest. Yeah I'm one selfish bitch and probably everything negative in this world, but did you even know that those stuffs were part of a change of lifestyle? Reducing my bloody consumption because I had plans for other stuffs.

I can never keep my mouth shut, can I?

Climbing out of the pit you dug yourself

2010-04-20T23:15:00.003+08:00

Just a sudden thought. How many times have we dug pits for ourselves to fall in?
There are so many regrets and unhappiness from the decisions we made ourselves that it's silly to lament about how life sucks.
But I guess I can't help feeling pathetic and that the life I'm living now isn't even worth being mentioned or compared to anyone poorer but richer than me. Poorer in wealth and status, but richer in life experiences.

Yes, it isn't time for such talks, since everyone's burying their heads in their work and notes, busy catching up with their schedules and expectations, and I'm supposed to follow suit. But I felt tired.
All of a sudden.
During the CIP teaching tutorial with the kids.

Tired of repeating myself umpteen times but not being understood a least bit,
tired of having to smile even though being superficial is the last thing I want to be,
tired of shaking things off my shoulders with self-delusional thoughts,
tired of deceiving myself even though the least I could do for myself was to be entirely honest instead of emptying myself of self-satisfying thoughts,
tired of this, tired of that.

I need to catch up on my SLEEP oh no, but I feel awake (not refreshed though) and my hair is still wet.

I shall drift off to a happier topic if not this blog will seem overly-gloomy. My blog shall be a happy place too for those who read this pathetic blog. Heh, I know SOME PEOPLE out there read and don't tag. Assholes. >< There's something called a site meter and mine is more advanced than those normal ones which hits will jump everytime you refresh the page hahah.

Does anyone find something to look forward to every week, even if it's a something minute and maybe even not worth-mentioning? Well, I do, and it has perked my moods really well.
Like I'll look forward to having an ice-cream from Mr Bean every Tuesday with Yushan before CIP, or having a family day out during the weekends, or playing ball every Friday, and try to think of the experience as something rare as time passes by.

Maybe it's during these times when you lack time to pursue personal interests, that you begin looking around for long-forgotten and forsaken memories, for self-consolation that you were once lucky to experience such events which may seem extraordinary compared to everyday's mundane lifestyle.

Repercussions of growing up - how and when can we ever finish measuring them?

如果

2010-04-18T19:33:00.005+08:00

If life was a voyage, will I never reach my destiny?
Cruising around in the same area, will things stay status quo?
Getting out of the comfort zone is easy, convincing yourself that you want it is difficult.

Trip to the blood bank was a failure. Didn't donate any blood because my iron content was too low. the reading was 12.1 and I just had to hit 12.5 in order to donate blood. Damn it -.- Anyway I'll go try again this July when my dad there again. And 2 weeks before that I'll spam the iron supplements they provided me.
Roar. I feel so unhealthy. They say that pig liver is rich in iron. It's nice ey, except it looks and sounds disgusting.

I feel tired.
And how ironic it is, since I slept from 2 to 5, and have been slacking the entire day doing nothing.

Nevermind, tomorrow will be a better day.

And that sounds ridiculously immature cos it's self-deceiving.

touch and drop

2010-04-15T22:48:00.009+08:00

Embark.
This pic is really encouraging. I don't know, I can sense the satisfaction and pride upon the taste of final success. Victory is really sweeettt. But it's definitely because the process was arduous and painstaking, that's why it's so rare and appreciated. If success came and went easily, it'll probably be treated the same way as frivolous friendships whereby people just walk in and out of your lives - they didn't exactly enter our hearts and neither did we contribute much love, time and friendship, so their departure would not be a loss or anything to be saddened about.

What shall I say? Today was satisfying. It felt as if for once, a long Thursday has ended on a good note.
And I'm feeling really lethargic now, but I'm happy.

Napfa early in the morning, and I already had a brief warm-up when I was almost late for flag-raising. Sweated like mad, ARGH, hate the sticky feeling.
2.4 was okay. I mean, I hit the timing which I wanted, although I knew I could do much better since there wasn't any lactic acid build-up, but it all has to do with my mentality, so nothing can really be helped.

Then the Physics Balloon- Car thing thing. Okay lah, at least the car moved to a distance which got us an A (: Although the initial speed of our car really made me laugh out loud.
And I learnt one thing today, I seriously can't be messengers. My message passing is really -.-

And the best thing today, was probably the touch rugby clinic after school (:
At first when we were doing the passing drills, I was thinking "Oh no, BORING. Isn't this like bball training, except it's so much worse??"
And I don't think I told anyone this, but I hate RUGBY BALLS. As in the ball, cos it's so uncontrollable and unpredictable. I abhor being dictated and controlled, let alone by A NON-LIVING THING. The idea is really ridiculous. I think the shape of the ball is cute though (: At least it's less conventional and boring (like ROUND)

Pretty? hehe

then when everyone started playing and having fun, I thought it felt really great to laugh about a sport once again. Since when have we laughed heartily because of bball?
Interclass's coming so maybe we'll have some stuffs to laugh about netball, but I aint keeping my hopes high or expecting much. It's just cos every interclass reminds me of something negative. Year one was horrible cos I felt so helpless when I played with a sprained knee during the semi-finals and finals. Year two interclass made me feel inferior cos I couldn't play volleyball. Last year's interclass made me know that I actually cared about how people view my basketball skills and I had most confidence in this sport. After the entire thing, I was disappointed at my lack of self-control over my emotions and how quickly I gave up. This year? Ha, I don't know. The choice of teammates was already an issue. But nevermind, I'm always the bad woman who is bloody effing vocal and who can't keep her mouth shut. And because she's so desperate to win, she ignores the feelings of others and just does everything to her whims and fancy. I can't exactly say that such an impression wouldn't be felt, but still, I made an effort to ensure my tone and everything was correct. Ah nevermind, I just hope everything cools down.

And then there's this stupid referee-ing thing. I was telling Qi, I can totally predict the souring of relationships with the juniors after their interclass. Bias is a matter of perspective. See the kajun thing, now almost every girl in our level have a horrible impression of him zzz. I don't know, he wasn't obliged to ref so I've nothing to say.
-.-
It's really ridiculously immature.
I don't like explaining myself to anybody, unless it's really necessary or I feel obliged to. I do whatever I want because simply, I like it, or I think it's right. What other reasons would I do things for? For others to judge the person I am? And I don't exactly mind that because almost every stranger in school has a warped impression of me anyway.

I remember wanting to type something more but I just forgot, cos I spent about 30 seconds spacing out, listening to songs by Orianthi.

Anyway, currently...
I'm reading a nice book about a person hooked on to a brain-stimulating drug. Apparently the description is Viagra for the brain haha.
How different will things turn out, when one day you wake up and find yourself a total different person? The change may not be negative, but embracing and absolute acceptance of that change will be difficult.

And I'm going to donate blood with my dad this saturday! Yay haha. The blood bank messaged him that they are in urgent need for blood. Kinda looking forward to saturday. Weird I know. I think it's also cos I'll be getting the stuffs I wanted to get for a really long time.

For once, the belief that after every tunnel appears a beam of light does not seem naively optimistic.

meaningful

2010-04-12T21:49:00.003+08:00

It has been really long since I posted emails, not to mention that I hardly post them in chinese, but my uncle sent me one that was really meaningful, and I gonna post it here so it wouldn't be forgotten (:

出生一张纸，开始一辈子；
毕业一张纸，奋斗一辈子；
婚姻一张纸，折磨一辈子；
做官一张纸，斗争一辈子；
金钱一张纸，辛苦一辈子
荣誉一张纸，虚名一辈子；
看病一张纸，痛苦一辈子；
悼词一张纸，了解一辈子；
淡化这些纸，明白一辈子；
忘了这些纸，快乐一辈子！

2010 新概念
一个中心：一切以健康为中心

两个基本点：遇到事情潇洒一点，看世糊涂一点

三个忘记：忘记年龄，忘记过去，忘记恩怨

四个拥有：无论你有多弱或多强，一定要：
拥有真正爱你的人
拥有知心的朋友
拥有向上的事业
拥有温暖的住所

五个要：要唱，要跳，要俏，要笑，要苗条

六个不能：不能饿了才吃，不能渴了才喝，不能困了才睡，不能累了才歇，不能病了才检查，不能老了才后悔

ha I typed all of that cos the email was in traditional chinese.
I know this sounds chimmish or cheena but oh wells, it makes sense and all of a sudden it hit upon me that many a times we take things too seriously.
In our attempt to "pursue the best", claiming it's for ourselves, we torment our bodies and we hardly stop to ponder if we really really really enjoy what we are doing.

I aint saying that since you don't like to mug you shouldn't study, but ohwells, there are times to take things easy and reward yourself when you see an improvement or something.

Did chinese proj with Chan today and I conclude that it's productive. Ate alot alot.
Shopped for her sports stuffs and I saw some clothes that I like hehehe.

And ohwells, I guess I will try not to let that impression be tarnished by what everyone says. Just treat it normally, since he proved he could do it too, and his was much worse lah. Although it's slightly or shall I say VERY different, but I guess it's all the same. Heh I aint talking cryptic, but only Chan'll understand I think.

Don't mistake degradation for change.

It takes more than a smile to know it's alright

2010-04-11T18:10:00.004+08:00

AHHHHHH!

Save me oh no.

Why does procrastination sink in whenever I'm so determined to do work.
Woke up really early today in a bid to do my stuffs but I ended up slacking like a pig. Dozed off and happily found a comfortable person to sleep even longer -.-

Then when I was doing the chinese reflection article, I was actually stoning in to space and it took me like 5 minutes to realise it. Goodness gracious.
And I borrowed a super nice addictive book so i spent 5 hours chionging it -.-
Screwed priorities you'd say.

Sometimes I wished there was this someone who would be my tutor, bball instructor, mugging partner and sunset buddy. hehehe, wouldn't it be so cool.

I think ACE lecture was a waste of time yesterday, although the idea of 2 countries fighting over R.O.C.K.S. is kinda hilarious. Went to do PW at Chan's house after eating at Burger King. I conclude that burger king is nice (:
Cheese cake's CRUST was nice! I like the buttery feeling. And I think we didn't end up sidetracking so everything was conclusive.

Actually I don't think next week is very stressful or what, cos the tests involved doesn't really require MAD memory work. But I'm totally dreading Physics test because I currently HAVE NO IDEA what Mrs Har is teaching during Physics. Buck up buck up!

Many people say they dread mondays, but I'm okay and kinda look forward to it.
A start is much better than an end right?
I think that applies to almost everything, like friendships, love, meaningful events, studies and blahblah. Even sorrow is counted in, because I believe it's all these emotions which cultivate sensible thoughts in us.

Anyway, this picture is nice hahaa.
And did I tell anyone before that I love eating eggs. And hotdogs. yummy food.

It doesn't take a heartbreak to realise you care

think

2010-04-10T00:31:00.004+08:00

feeling tired now.
today was great cos I finally felt relaxed after a long week. But if only my shooting was better
but ohwells, it's alright.

Tmr's some lecture so I shall sleep earlier....
very zombie-like now.......... and there isn't exactly much to post. Actually there are quite reflective stuffs to type but I shall type them some other day when the mood is correct.

Talked to Syl alot these days and we seem to talk endlessly. her dad gonna fetch me to school tmr (: But I still need to wake up quite early oh no.

oh and tell me how weird this is. I like seeing blog viewership going up but when the referrals allow me to know who's viewing, I feel weird.
Invasion of privacy like what Syl said? i don't think so... But it's just o.o-ish I guess, when people you least expect, starts knowing about the little details of your life and know what's going through your mind. Not to mention that my mind functions really crappily and I dont really think twice.

chieh. (have been using this for the past few months but it doesn't exactly have a meaning i realised)

-----
I don't know... Shan't think about it cos when I embrace it, the problem doesn't surface, but when it gets out of my sight, the nagging feeling gets onto my nerves. damn. There isn't anything I can do anyway, since nothing will be reciprocated. As much as I want to deny its existence, reality is forcing me to believe otherwise.

Ultimate Break

2010-04-03T00:17:00.004+08:00

Just came back from Rae's Churchy Chalet cum BBQ.
Learnt alot of stuffs and the video was really nice (: I love watching vids.

It felt really serene at night when there you feel the strong breeze and hear the strong wave currents. I think that feeling was all that I needed to feel better and more at ease. Thanks rachel! (: hehe.

Lunch was wonderful cos the nasi lemak was yummy. Felt happy at the thought of food once again (See, Chansou!) And I didn't camwhore definitely. Stupid rachel made it look as if I did roar. A camera in Rae's hands = unglam photos spammage. And since she was the photographer most of the times, she has got very little photos :/

We went to a nice hut and crystal and I attempted to look like a couple from the back. Big fail I tell you. In the end, when I wanted her hand to point somewhere like we were appreciating the scenery, it looked like the hitler salute -.-
Then we started playing with shadows and it was ultimate gayness.

But it was ultimate fun (:

Night pictures were horrible because of my lousy phone. Tweaked the brightness of the images and the quality still sucks, but I shall post them anyway. Don't wanna waste my efforts.

Basically it's rachel's ~~stupid~~ SMART idea. I found the light bulb of a lamp which looked like a smiley face and crystal was amused that the "smiley face" moved cos she shook it -.- Rae wanted to pretend that she was afraid that the coconuts would fall from the coconut tree when I don't think there was any coconuts to begin with!
Anyway when we begin to zihigh you know how retarded we can be.

really tired now after updating my music library and blending those images. Shall go and 睡觉.
I LOVE SLEEEPPP.
just wished I had a life-size bear to hug. AHHHH.

We can't go on
pretending day by day
that someone somehow would soon make a change

冷淡

2010-04-01T20:46:00.008+08:00

Shiny sparkly water droplets. The light rays made me miss day all of a sudden. The vibrant sun beams shining down and the intense heat ....

I just wanna spend an entire day at the beach, suntanning and sleeping, with no one around of course. There's this "thing" about suntanning that will let people raise their eyebrows. No, I'm not a vain pot who cares about how she looks like, because there isn't anyone to satisfy. Why would I bother about getting the acknowledgement and recognition of others if I don't feel 100% comfortable with who I am yet? I think it's all about meeting the standards and expectations you set for yourself and achieving them. It's not exactly about being thin or what, but it's about not being fat. Fat thighs, ROAR. Ahhhhh! hehe. I'm always thinking what I'll become when those muscles turn into fats. OHNO.
Although my skin colour kinda sucks since I don't get the nice golden tan, I don't want to be white, and I just love the sun (: Rather than waiting for global warming to worsen and more stupid UV rays attack my skin, I shall enjoy the sun asap hehe.

Don't have the mood to do anything. Damn it.
After that teeny weeny conflict with my mum. Wasn't allowed to stay overnight at Rae's house. I don't know which was which; whether she was annoyed that it was a short notice or whether I was staying overnight. They just don't entertain the idea... Sometimes I wonder what's going through their minds. They claim that they trust me and now they're saying that I'm taking the freedom for granted. -.-

I'm censoring myself like mad, when vulgarities are streaming through my mind right now. Since I don't believe in my self-control, I might as well just learn how to auto-censor.
And my grandma made some comments which irked me, although her tone told me that she was just concerned and nice. She thought I was going out with my boyfriend and it would be a good thing if I just stayed at home, I won't worry my parents by fooling around. I can't understand her perceptions and mindsets. She hasn't changed one bit since 5 years ago. I still remember it till today, when Nigel Ng called my house number for 3 times (ONLY!) and when I came home, she was rather harsh and kinda reprimanded that I must behave myself. -.- damn it. Am I suppose to wear a veil when I leave the house?! and that's why Jacoblim, you cannot come to my house you idiot. haha.

zzzz. Why am I typing such personal stuffs here. Things just aren't as liberal as they are.
And for goodness sake, when can they believe that I aint like other girls. oh fuck. [oops]
Exasperated now.
I think they call it bek-cek.
Maybe if they send a PI to follow me, they'll realise that I lead a very boring life. School, mug, ~~ball~~, go home -.- at most, I'll stop by some hawker centre to grab some yummy food, or stop by the bubble tea stall that I LOVE ALOTALOT.
Ha, it's a waste of time anyway. I mean, the time spent on those loveydovey stuffs could be used to read more books, go watch sunsets, suntan, play ball, or makan, isn't it?

And why did I slash ball?
That's simply because since tournaments have ended, no more bball for me. Seriously I've to start concentrating on my studies. Have been procrastinating these few days because I really didn't have the resolve. Now I don't have the mood too. I know this is a very bad attitude, but I will change or at least FORCE myself to change, because jeopardizing my studies to do things as and when I like would be stupid.
But for today, I shall sleep and wake up earlier tomorrow.

Oh and people, er, please do not tag anything that will remind me of today's conflict, thanks. Sometimes I just want to feel heartened by the fact that somewhere in some corner of the earth there are memories of the past, in case I turn into a bitch one day. Sometimes it just takes self-realization to change the status quo.

Now I see if I wear a mask i can fool the world, but I cannot fool my heart

Reflections.

when the will keeps the strength going

2010-03-30T13:11:00.000+08:00

Awesome pictures koped from Weiwen after last Tuesday's trainings. Really pretty pictures. I wonder how people manage to get such nice pretty shots.

Look at the pretty skies, ah!
I haven't watched a nice sunset yet. Someone, go watch with me!

Today's match was WONDERFUL(: Lost to SCGS, but we didn't have any regrets. I guess this is how it feels like to give it your all.

My knee was screwed. Seriously I don't know how this can happen. How can you injure yourself?!! Now there's this suan feeling that kinda suck. But alright, I shall borrow someone's kneeguard and hopefully things will be fine.

Qi and Ann had a slight teeny conflict. I thought alot somehow, although it was totally none of my business. Busybody.
I think in times when you aren't in the best of moods, you won't be able to stand in the perspectives of others. And since I'm just a bystander, I shouldn't have the right to say anything, but I'm still free to say and think whatever I want.
I just think it's a question on priorities and perspectives. maybe when everyone cools down, they will recall and mock at how ridiculously minor this entire thing was.

Whatever it was, qi, I wouldn't have done whatever you did yeah. Maybe cos I'm more subtle than you, and of course, I don't really care about my shoes, so I don't know how it feels like. But I do realise that it's things that we treasure which makes us feel emotional.
But jeopardizing the friendship doesn't do us any good right? Especially since it's our last year playing together. I don't even know if we would be able to form a team next year, and our future seems bleak. There are so many things we have to improve on, butt we are robbed of the opportunities. I know they say that chances are for one to build, but face it, we can't be lucky that often.
Oh and whatever you wanna say right, please don't spam them on my tagboard thankyouuuu. Anyway if you need someone to talk all your nonsense, you still can spam me those messages, just that I'll be speaking reason as usual again. ha you know me, I'm just that rational.

It was Family Day together last Sunday(:
How ironic, when our whole family split up and cycled.

I thought the 2 hours would be a bore, but it turned out to be quite fun. I don't know what I was dreaming or thinking about. Anyway there was this marathon and there were a lot of people with good bodies. AHA (:
6 or 8 packs i think. And alot of people had this golden tan.
Hmmm do i sound jealous? i hope not :/

Rectify, easier said than done

it was once a miracle

2010-03-25T20:13:00.004+08:00

We lost.
to Naval Base 51-33.

Horrible score, and it is my fault. Coach is disappointed, I'm sad I suppose? I don't know, was feeling numb all the way, then started feeling lost and empty.
That kind of feeling which you know you're feeling terrible but you can't exactly explain why.

We didn't have any expectations and yes, we screwed up, but I don't exactly think we would win anyway if you were to see the whole picture. They were tougher, their defence was tight, and although their rebounds were kinda horrible, they could pass.
I don't know, I was feeling lost throughout the entire match and a little emotional when my shots failed terribly. You know it when you have no feel, and when you are asked to just shoot as if the ball will miraculously go in, how would you feel?
My defence was screwed and I caused a lot of turnovers.

Gah, when I was walking home listening to my ipod, I was wondering what on earth I was doing then. totally didn't deserve to play. Then I had a weird thought. I wished nats were over and we don't need to play anymore. It's really weird. I just wanna go back to the fridays when we would spend our time aimlessly shooting hoops and laughing like some retards over nothing.

Indeed, it's our last year, and the next two years will be aimless for me. I gonna continue with bball cos I like the sound of the ball going into the net and the smiles my teammates show when they contributed 2 points, even if it's Qi's ridiculously far layups, or Rae's center moves, or Crystal's crazy shots, or Jingmei's weird 0-angle left-hand layup.....they are all part of the memories, aren't they?
The feeling of fatigue and muscle strain makes me know that I'm actually alive, and at least I'm doing something different from the mundane routine that everyone else is having.

I don't know how to improve and I wouldn't be able to. How to shoot consistently? :/ OH eff.
Now I don't even have the bloody right to teach the juniors how to shoot, or even encourage weiwen to shoot more. When she asked me that day on the mrt after the match, "Christina, how to shoot?, I was lost for words. In my mind, I was thinking "you sure you want to ask me? It's like the blind leading the blind. You don't wanna be such a failure. So what if the shooting form is good and everything?"

Ah, I'm talking too much again. This always happen when I don't filter my thoughts. Nevermind, two years down the road when I'm like Wanting who comes back to see juniors play and I read this post again, I'll be overwhelmed with emotions never felt before. I'll be so busy like the rest, burying their heads in books, competing with each other for just a ridiculous piece of paper called the cert. Despite it being JUST A THIN SHEET OF PAPER, it is enough to control my life and mindset.
Oh damn it.
Seriously if we were to tell the poor nations what we are all fighting for, they would think we are insane. There they are, helping each other survive and hunt for food and feeling pangs of hunger more than often, while we are here fighting over a non-living thing, enjoying the warmth from the sun and coolness from air-conditioners, getting stressed over studies.

I should seriously stop ranting. Whoever who read word by word of this post until here, I salute you. How can people stand my rantings and ravings? Chan, how did you do that!

I'm getting sick and tired of myself. I turn cranky and annoyed easily nowadays. Whywhywhy!
Am I turning into some bad-tempered bitch? Oh no.
I should start reading more often, then at least I can feel detached from reality for around 2 hours. Then when I start walking back home from the library late at night, the breeze will clear things up and by the time I reach home, bathe and sleep, things will be fine the next day (:

No training tomorrow. When I received Ann's message that there was no training tomorrow, the immediate thought was "sian". But it's not like coach will believe we want to train right.

When you decide to cling onto what's gone, you'll realise that what was once a miracle has ceased to exist. Shattered disillusions are merely what's left

Unconscious infliction of hurt

2010-03-21T22:14:00.004+08:00

dad was really angry today. and I was just a bystander. Stupid siblings of mine; they don't know what's appropriate actions, do they?
nevermind, shan't really elaborate because I'll be spewing nonsense everywhere, and no one can understand it at all.

Today was relatively productive for me, although I slept alot. Took a nap before lunch at 12 and woke up at 2.... slept again at 5.45 to 6:30, and now I gonna go sleep. Tomorrow morning I shall sleep again (: I wonder when I started loving sleeping that much.... I think it was after I feel that sleeping gives me a thorough break and when I wake up feeling energised and refreshed, it's as if I'm given a new lease of life.
And sleep is always good for us, so sleep more people (: and theoretically, my eyebags should be gone by now since I sleep so much, but they are still clinging onto me, stupid things!

Was just thinking, the infliction of hurt can be unconscious, yet it can be really heart-piercing at times. Just like disappointment, it really hurts. Chan experienced disappointment loads of times and I can't exactly I feel as much as her, because its my insensitivity to things which makes me less bothered about particular things.

But I think it's through these emotions of disappointment that we realise how much we treasure the existence of the things. Maybe I should learn to be more aware of my surroundings and more conscious of my words and actions, lest they hurt someone or even myself one day.
Roar, the more I blog and the more I grow, I'll feel that I'm uncovering more flaws of mine.
No matter how much I wish to deny this, there's this hidden side in everyone which yearns to be a perfectionist. Perfection, something yearned so badly by many but it actually makes people flawed.

Met Chan yesterday to do Bio Concept Map. Heng we did it somehow although it was just a draft. Didn't exactly talk a lot because we concentrated on our work (For ONCE man) and bus 89 just had to drive past me :(
heheh. kinda lot of events recently.....

Oh and people, stop GL-ing me so much ahhh! I always believe there's a limit and normally I don't get annoyed but when my mood fluctuates, I wouldn't bother hiding my annoyance. But I guess things aren't that bad so far. Just hope that I wouldn't let my emotions to erupt one day. it's really annoying, if your were in my shoes and having the same thoughts as me.
I don't know, I can only say that I'm really different. i don't think the same way and I don't treat things the same way. All I can say is that I trivialize things, and am exaggeratedly emotional over minute details....

all the best for the match against Naval Base next wednesday(: Never heard of them before but I think we will all play very very hard, since we don't know what to expect and we don't really have any targets anymore. Anyway to have gone so far is already something surprising not only to me, but to many others, so I guess giving it our all and not having any regrets is what we can do, because we don't have any expectations to live up to.

Sweet Sixteenth

2010-03-19T00:37:00.002+08:00

This year's birthday was really memorable cos it was spent at MUN, so no celebrations for me.
Don't know whether it's something worth rejoicing cos I'm the kind who doesn''t see the need for birthday celebrations because they are so redundant. Birthday presents are just so dreaded at times cos there is an obligation to buy gifts too. I know such thinking is really warped, but I hate shopping for presents.

Anyways, thanks to all who wished me happy birthday (: Was really surprised when my wall was spammed with birthday wishes, especially from those whom I hardly talk to. Those smses were really sweeettt too.
And the presents were really unexpected.
Juniors who got me the size 6 ball: REALLYY it was so surprising and I wanted it since long time ago (:
Qi: the pencil case is really pretty, the more I look at it hahah. I just hope that the pen ink doesn't leak if not I'll be heartbroken ):
Kim Siang: thanks for the earpiece which I know is like bloody ex, cos it's the same one as what I'm using now hahah
Jacob: that super long sms made me smile and we hafta mug soon. MUGMUGMUG
Chan: that blog post was super sweet, although I don't fancy that sleeping picture of me roar. But I think the descriptions were really apt and it's amazing how much we influence each other. Eating is an enjoyable thing so don't feel that bad when you're eating okay, although I admit the fats is really frustrating.

Birthday wish for the year was really simple: being happy and myself.
Of course, I did wish for alot of people too, but they can't be said, if not they wouldn't come true right?
Anyway, I think making those wishes come true is much more realistic

Lunch at Swensens today before training. Good food still makes me feel great. Thanks mummy(:

Embark and don't ever alight because the other path would not be easier either

UN Mock Conference 2010

2010-03-18T23:06:00.005+08:00

UN Mock Conference ended quicker than I expected. Although there wasn't a sense of nostalgia, I felt a sense of loss when I woke up today. kinda surprising because the first day was horrible. Everyone was so solemn and smart when they could blabber so much, and I was there sitting and rotting, wondering what I should do.

I need to improve on my articulation of words and be more eloquent.
Easier said than done, I can go dream on. But it doesn't really hurt to try

Anyways, during the second day, things got better and I wasn't feeling that lost anymore. People were opening up and smiling more often, talking more casually and in general, things were more carefree and the atmosphere was really great.

Attending MUN was an enriching experience as I came into contact with many issues which I would have never thought about in the past. And I realised I'm interested in economics and worldly issues, especially regarding poverty in Africa.

Dinner and Dance was another WOW thing for me. I never attended such formal occasions before, and I don't think weddings count, and it has been ages since I attended one.
I think SCGS really planned it very well. All the lightings, food, atmosphere.... they were fabulous and I can only applaud the planning committee for the wonderful work. The dedication, time and effort spent in making it a success - I don't think I would be able to do such a thing in the future.

Anyway, with the loud music, flickering lights and the zihigh-ness where everyone was jumping like mad to the music, I conclude that I aint suitable for going to discos and parties. It would suit me better to read a book, watch a drama or shoot hoops.

And my heels were giving me a bloody headache. Pain like mad.
But anyway I think it was the atmosphere that made everyone shed away their reservations and begin socializing and dancing.
Facebook is really active nowadays and everyone is professing their love for their councils. Hopefully we can meet up one day; I would really like to catch up since the other delegates have such unique personalities and they can be really fun to be with (:

Heels, Blazer and stockings for 3 days have made me understand that jerseys and bball shoes are still better.
And that further reiterates the reason why I wouldn't wanna turn older. Work will just murder me